What’s with the Silence?

 

To all my loyal followers and to all the new ones who have come on board wondering what in the world is happening here? Why no blog posts?

 

I’m really sorry for neglecting all of you but if you read what my life has been like lately, you will understand, I’m sure.

 

During the day (full day) I work as a Virtual Assistant for the Western Cape Network on Disability Find us on Facebook as Provincial Co-ordinator, including attending meetings and all related Secretarial duties.

 

In the evenings I’m a Virtual Assistant for Retina SA Western Cape Find us on Facebook as temporary Branch Administrator and Events Co-ordinator. We have three big events coming up: AGM on 4 August 2018, High Tea 2018 fundraiser on 9 August 2018 and Ripped Genes 2018 Music Concert fundraiser on 28 November 2018. More information on our Facebook page.

 

Fundraiser

 

Evenings are broken down even further working as Project Manager on special projects for a private company broken down into a certain amount of hours per week.

 

I’m also an Executive Board member (not paid) for a non-profit organisation called Institute for the Promotion of Disabled Manpower (IPDM) which requires me to do loads of reading amongst other things.  More info here

 

Last year (2017) I was approached by WordPress South Africa to assist them with their annual WordCamp Cape Town event as an Accessibility Wrangler (help them ensure that the venue for WordCamp Cape Town 2018 is accessible to persons with disabilities (not paid).

 

WordCamp is a conference that focuses on everything WordPress.

WordCamps are informal, community-organized events that are put together by WordPress users. Everyone from casual users to core developers participate, share ideas, and get to know each other.

 

With an estimated 250+ attendees, this 2-day conference will have 2 tracks, 20 speakers and more than 20 volunteers making it the ultimate event for WordPress users, developers and enthusiasts in Cape Town. More details regarding this event will follow as soon as we’ve finalised the details.

Pencil 1 and 2 November 2018 (Save the Date) into your diaries in the meantime.

It’s my turn . . .

 

 

This year has been absolutely crazy – the start of my year was the worst I’ve ever experienced. Mom taking ill and dying so suddenly three years ago was nothing in comparison to the way last year ended and this year started.  The rest of the year, having to focus on staying afloat financially was equally stressful. Not knowing if you’re going to have enough money to get you through the month and not sleeping much because you’re working long hours and stressed has not helped either.

 

This has been the year I’ve chosen to rebel against the “system” to rebel against the societal “norm”. After 50 years of doing as I was told and doing what was expected of me, it’s been “my turn to see what I can see. I hope you’ll understand, this time’s been just for me because it’s my turn, with no apologies, I’ve given up the truth to those I’ve tried to please”.

 

I’ve rebelled against the system of being the “good girl” always doing what’s expected of me by my family, friends and society as a whole. “Now it’s my turn . . . I don’t have all the answers but at least I know, I’ve taken my share of chances. What’s the use of holding on, when nothing stays the same?”

 

 

“So I’ve let it rain, knowing it would’nt hurt me, and I’ve let you go” (mom) “though I know it won’t be easy. It’s my turn, for years I’d seen my life, through someone else’s eyes. Now it’s my turn, to try and find my way and if I should get lost, at least I’ll own today”.

 

“It’s my turn to start from number one, trying to undo, some damage that’s been done. It’s my turn to reach and touch the sky and no one’s going to say, at least I didn’t try.”

 

So to those who have understood my journey this past year and who have stood by me and supported me through it all, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without your love and support, I would not still be standing.

 

 

To those who have not understood my journey this past year and who have decided not to support me through my journey, I’m sorry that you chose to leave me at a time when I needed you most. Like I said earlier in this post – “I hope you understand, this time’s been just for me because it’s my turn, with no apologies, I’ve given up the truth to those I’ve tried to please . . .”

 

My journey to start from number one, trying to undo, some damage that’s been done has not ended yet. I am a “work in progress” and still have far to go. Those who have supported me up to now, I hope I can continue to count on your love and support through this journey.

 

To those who have chosen to abandon me in my darkest hours, thank you for your support over the years. I do wish you well in the future.

May the New Year bring you love, joy and happiness. May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow.

 

Why unconditional acceptance is transformational

 

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

 

1. How strong is my sense of self?

 

2. Do I know my values?

 

3. How do I acknowledge myself?

 

4. What role does service play in my life?

 

5. How do I cope with stresses within relationships?

 

6. How much am I willing to share my vulnerabilities?

 

7. How strong is my sense of purposefulness?

 

8. To what extent do I trust?

 

9. How important is my growth and development?

 

10. How authentic am I?

 

Make time to reflect on each question and journal your responses

 

In Memory of Mom: Compassion and Support

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

The friend who can
 be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
 who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
 who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

― Henri J.M. Nouwen: was a Dutch-born Catholic priest, professor and writer

What I also wrote:
ONE YEAR DOWN THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED . . .

October 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/05/tapestry/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/to-each-life-there-is-a-season/

November 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/warning-emotional-volcano-about-to-erupt/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/27/dear-mom/

December 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/14/why-the-obsession-with-loneliness/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/24/christmas-and-new-year-blessings/

January 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/01/21/grief-mourning-and-bereavement-what-is-the-difference/

February 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/woman-heal-thyself/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/08/self-care-sunday-hard-questions-weightless/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/re-investing-in-life-moving-on/

March 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/how-to-find-the-balance-between-work-and-home-life/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/30/what-life-has-taught-me/

April 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/09/i-am-a-sensitive-child/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/14/me-the-budding-entrepreneur/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/green-is-the-colour-of-my-life/

May 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/05/11/in-the-midst-of-movement-and-chaos-becoming-the-new-me/

June 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/07/i-am-capable/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/22/the-pain-of-watching-a-parent-age/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/stop-the-bus-i-want-to-get-off/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/what-happens-during-a-colonoscopy/

July 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/me-the-budding-voice-over-artiste/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/22/what-im-learning-on-my-journey-to-wealth-creation/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/26/what-im-learning-on-my-journey-to-wealth-creation-part-two/

August 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/how-to-increase-your-financial-iq/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/river-of-life-a-time-for-reflection/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/18/finding-your-why/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/wild-geese/

September 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/01/im-not-extraordinary-enough-the-power-of-vulnerability/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/12/how-do-i-start-a-blog/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/21/my-life-as-an-introvert/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/28/dont-resist-change-let-things-flow-naturally-forward/

October 2015 (One year down the road less travelled):
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/dear-trauma-counsellor-i-have-ongoing-flashbacks-and-voices-in-my-head-that-just-wont-shut-up/

https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/10/20/journaling-as-a-mindfulness-practice-for-thoughts-and-emotions/

To each life there is a season . . .

I know it’s been a while since my last post and I do apologise for the break but it’s been a very trying few weeks for me.

On 9 October we found out that mom’s cancer has spread to her spine and brain. Doctors decided to reduce the new tumours through radium treatment to ease the pressure on her nerves (the pressure on her nerves caused numbness in her left arm and hand) and doctors felt that if they did not do emergency radium treatment, she would lose feeling in her entire body eventually. So mom was admitted to hospital immediately for a course of 5 treatments with an emergency treatment being done on the same night of admission.

Here’s a picture of mom after her third radium session (just back from radiology department)

Mom was discharged from hospital on Wednesday 15 October and was to return to hospital on Monday 27 October 2014 for a further 6 sessions of radium treatment on her brain. This was not to be. On Monday 27 October 2014 mom lost her fight with cancer. She died peacefully in her sleep in her own bed at home at 14:30.

Today 30 October 2014 we said goodbye to mom at her funeral service.

After the funeral service, I took a drive to Mouille Point Lighthouse (one of my favourite places). I stopped along the way to buy a McFlurry (ice cream) at McDonalds remembering how mom could not wait for me to suggest buying a McFlurry after I first introduced her to it. All the memories came flooding back of how we used to buy our ice cream, drive until we found “the perfect spot” to park and enjoy our ice cream while chatting about things.

Oh how I miss you today mom and all the good times we shared. I’m sitting staring at the waves as I’m eating my ice cream and I’m just so sad. I know you’re in a better place mom, free from all the pain, but I miss you.

Your funeral went off just as you would have wanted it to go. Your brother who has held a grudge towards us for more than thirty years came to your funeral today, mom. He refused to be pall bearer when I asked him, but he came to your funeral anyway. When I saw him standing in the doorway, I walked over and thanked him for coming. I asked him if I could get a hug and, guess what mom, he hugged me. I was so shocked I burst into tears immediately. As he hugged me he whispered in my ear “take care of yourself”. This made me cry even more and he hugged me even closer and whispered again “take care of yourself, ok?” As I moved away from him I pointed to Tami [my sister] and he hugged her as well.

Oh mom! Why did this not happen while you were alive? Why did you have to die first for this to happen?

After the funeral service, someone we have not seen for more than 14 years had the audacity to talk to me about how sick dad is and how she thinks he will not make it to the end of the year. Apparently he wanted to come to your funeral but he is too weak (or so she says). So why is this important? Why am I supposed to care? Where was he for the last 14 years or more of our lives? Where was she (supposedly your friend) for the last 14 years or more? Why is it that some people think they can just waltz into your life and tell you what you are supposed to do and how you are supposed to feel?

Without giving me time and the space grieve for my mother, I’m now supposed to feel guilty about my dad who is supposedly so sick? Really?

Someone from dad’s side of the family is now suddenly looking for my telephone number. Why now? Suddenly, after more than fourteen years people suddenly remember that I exist? Where have they been these last fourteen years (or more)? I’ve done well enough for myself without them up to now, why should I let them back into my life now – after all these years?

I’ve now suddenly become the “orphan Annie” to dad’s side of the family. Suddenly they remember that I exist and everybody wants a piece of me now. I’m now is such demand. Wow! I wonder why?

We’ve had so many good times these last few years we have been on our own mom. We saw Tami and Anton getting married. Zac and Zoë being born and growing up into the lovely children they are now – you always said you wanted to live long enough to see your grandchildren and you had that privilege, mom. What wonderful times we have shared as a family.

I’m going to miss our weekly trips to the coffee shops, trying out the various options, exhausting the menu in many instances before moving on to the next one. Birthdays and Christmas (and Easter) will not be the same without you.

I miss you!

Rest in peace dear mom.

You will live on in our hearts forever.

I’m grateful for . . .

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind was howling, the rain pounding down like it would never stop.

Sitting in church on the night of 25 July 1993 (21 years ago), listening to a solo being sung when the doors suddenly opened. Wild gun fire, hand grenades going off all over the place . . . everyone fell to the ground between the pews.

A bullet made a “zing” sound as it bounced off the pew in front of me, over my back across the pew behind me.

My mom, next to me, beside herself screaming because my little baby sister was not sitting with us at the time, she was sitting further back in the church with her friend and her family (the mother was killed by a hand grenade, we discovered afterwards).

When people find out that we were actually in church that fateful night and survived, they often want us to repeat what happened. I’m grateful for the fact that we survived that fateful night.

Here’s a link to the video (summary) made by the church after the massacre for those who are interested . . .

Dear Diary: How can I do more of what matters?

As I grow older, I am searching daily to do more things that really matter. I want to do things that I can be remembered for. I want to leave some sort of legacy that will signal to the world that I have been here. I have lived. I mattered to someone out there. I want to leave this earth one day knowing that I’ve made a difference.

How does one do that, I’m asking myself? How do I leave footsteps that others will want to follow one day?

When I find the answers, I will share them with you. In the meantime, let me share the following information I have come across in my search for leaving that lasting legacy.

I have found there are three “C’s” for finding sanity:

CLARITY: What is my life about? (focus on this) then keep moving to what matters more
• What matters most exists in the more distant future. Live in the moment with an eye on the future.
• Vision always centres on people, not projects, products or programmes.
• Clarity requires simplicity. Describe your hopes and dreams in once coherent actionable sentence.

COURAGE: Have the courage to say no to the “good stuff” to pursue “great stuff”. Courage requires clarity. Saying “no”, so you can say “yes” to something better, is a process.

CONSISTENCY: Consistently focus on what matters. It’s not always about doing less. It’s about doing more of what matters.

Living by priorities begins with determining:-
• VALUES – what matters to you?
• STRENGTHS – What activities give you energy?
• VISION – Where do you want to apply your strengths to achieve fulfilling results?

Getting a grip on time is contained in three words:

ELIMINATE: Stop unnecessary or low priority tasks

DELEGATE: Give tasks to others

ACCELERATE: Become more efficient

What activities give you energy?

Strengths Finder Assessment Test:
http://freestrengthstest.workuno.com/free-strengths-test.html

Dear Diary: Grounded in the Present

“Digest your experiences as you go”
When you are grounded in the present – feeling your feelings, listening to your body, tasting your food and expressing your ideas – you do not build up toxicity. You digest your experience as you go. – Debbie Ford

I recently came across a Facebook post on my timeline from a Facebook group called Eagle Coaching which asked the following questions:-

How well are you staying grounded in and to the PRESENT moments in your life? – what are you:
• Thinking
• Feeling
• Sensing
• Listening (to)
• Expressing

What steps do you need to take RIGHT NOW to shift your awareness into the present, and stay more attuned to or grounded in the present (not “captive to the past” or chasing after the future)?

Since reading this post, I’ve been trying to zoom in on the PRESENT moments in my life to see how I’m staying grounded in the present moment and I must say, I’ve had great difficulty in doing this.

As a result of my present circumstances with my mom, knowing her life could come to a sudden and abrupt end but not knowing exactly when this would happen has “knocked me for a six” as they would say. My PRESENT currently consists of taking care of mom’s immediate physical needs, taking care of the running of the household (cooking, cleaning etc) and then trying to hold myself together emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Since mom’s diagnosis, I’ve not had much time (anytime for that matter) to actually sit down and really, seriously think about the thoughts running through my mind and the feelings attached to those thoughts. Occasionally, while I’m driving to work or from work (sometimes on my way to the shops to buy some perishable grocery items), I will have moments when I will allow myself to think about my current situation and the feelings attached would bring tears to my eyes. By the time the tears start flowing, I’m usually at the entrance to the shop so I quickly have to put the tears back where they came from, push all the thoughts into the recesses of my mind, put on a brave face and smile. By the time I’ve arrived home, I’m so busy focussing on getting supper started, served, kitchen cleaned and then attempt to focus on my studies and meet deadlines for assignments. This is what my PRESENT is about right now – no time to dwell on the past nor time to wonder about what the future holds.

Sometimes I get the SENSE that I’m losing myself somewhere along the way. Maybe not losing myself as much as “hiding my true self”. I’m SENSING that I’m becoming like a little pressure cooker just waiting to explode if that little valve is not released soon. I do, however, feel that delaying the release of that valve might be the best thing for me because I really don’t think I will be able to let it all out 100 percent until everything is over. I am SENSING that waiting until mom has gone from me physically and I can truly just cry – cry for when mom was diagnosed, cry for when we were given the news that the chemo was stopped because it was not working and told that there was nothing more the doctors could do for her. Cry for the loss of my dear mother, who bore me for 9 months, spent endless days and nights at hospital with me while doctors tried their best to correct my physical disability (other surgical procedures in-between). I need to cry for my mother who so bravely stuck it out in an abusive marriage for 38 years for the sake of her children, who finally found the courage to say “enough” and leave. Although the divorce tore our family apart, it brought mom and me closer together, we could finally be friends, taking comfort in each other and supporting each other.

I’m SENSING that I need to cry for this dear mother, for my loss and heaven’s gain but, now is just not the right time to do this. There will be time to do this and I will do this, when the right time comes.

What am I LISTENING to? Right now, I’m LISTENING to my heart which tells me that there is a time and a place for everything – everything in its own time. The rivers of tears building up inside of me right now, will come when the time is right. The time is not now.

What am I EXPRESSING? I’m expressing to you how I’m feeling right now. Can you understand what I’m saying? Am I making sense or is this just a garbled mess of words to you? Can you feel my pain? Have you been here yourself? Do you have some sort of an idea what I’m talking about?

One day when mom has passed on and I have time to reflect on my life, I will look at the questions at the beginning of this post again and try to answer them and see how my answers differ.

Are you grounded in the present? Are you digesting your experiences as you go?

Are you captive to your past?

Are you chasing after your future?

Are you grounded in the present?

Conversations with myself: Finding time to think?

I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel that our lives become so “busy” with things to do, places to go, people to see, it is often difficult to find the time to just be quiet and allow yourself time to think.

Often we rush to get to work after sitting in traffic, it’s a mad rush from the time we walk into the office until we leave, we rush to get through the traffic to get home and as soon as we open the front door to the house, more demands are made on us by those waiting for us at home – a crisis to sort out, dinner/children’s homework or maybe just someone waiting to tell us what they have done or where they have been for the day. By the time we have a few minutes to ourselves, it is usually very late (after everyone else has gone to bed), we are able to take a deep breath and just sit . . . breathe . . . and relax.

How can we make use of these few minutes before bed to get the maximum out of our day?

Directed thinking activities:
Write: you don’t know what you’re thinking till you write it down. Writing is not always about the written output; it’s about the thinking that happens as you attempt to communicate. You do not have to share your writing with others for it to be time well spent.

You could start a journal (diary), a blog post or just keep a book at your bedside exclusively to jot down your thoughts for the day. You could even start a Gratitude Journal if you like.

Read a book: It’s not about the content of what you’re reading – it’s about the quiet time you’re spending by yourself. Reading is not about reading: it’s about thinking. It’s about hearing yourself think.

When last have you read a book? What book are you reading right now?

Undirected thinking activities:
Drive to and from the office/take a dog for a walk/take extra long shower or bath: you’re free from distraction, engaged in a monotonous activity that does not require active focus, and you’re in a different environment. A perfect place for creative thought.

What works for me is I have a little spiral notebook with a pen stuck into the spine of the book which I keep in my handbag to jot down any thoughts I have while driving (I wait until I’m standing at a traffic light to jot down what I’m thinking) or while I’m waiting for someone travelling with me. I find this is also perfect for jotting down a website address printed on a vehicle that I’m interested in finding out more about.

Stare out of aeroplane windows: Introspective reflections helped along by the flow of the landscape. When travelling I do the best I can to ensure that I get a window seat so I can be “alone with my thoughts” while travelling.

Organise your office/room/house: Tidy up documents, pick up around the floor, re-arrange books, it’s an excellent start to serious thinking. This one does not prompt serious thinking for me but it usually gives me new ideas to try out either prompted by a piece of paper which needs to be filed or thrown away.

What works for you? What gets your thinking/creative juices flowing?