Dear Diary: Let mystery have its place in you . . .

Mystery Woman

Let mystery have its place in you;
do not be always turning up your whole soil with the plough share of self-examination,
but leave a little fallow corner in your heart ready for any seed the winds may bring,
and reserve a nook of shadow for the passing bird;
keep a place in your heart for the unexpected guests, an altar for the unknown God.
Then if a bird sings among your branches, do not be too eager to tame it.
If you are conscious of something new—thought or feeling, wakening in the depths of your being—
do not be in a hurry to let in light upon it, to look at it;
let the springing germ have the protection of being forgotten,
hedge it round with quiet, and do not break in upon its darkness.
Henri Frederic Amiel

Dear Diary: Grounded in the Present

Flower Red Dazzling Animated

“Digest your experiences as you go”
When you are grounded in the present – feeling your feelings, listening to your body, tasting your food and expressing your ideas – you do not build up toxicity. You digest your experience as you go. – Debbie Ford

I recently came across a Facebook post on my timeline from a Facebook group called Eagle Coaching which asked the following questions:-

How well are you staying grounded in and to the PRESENT moments in your life? – what are you:
• Thinking
• Feeling
• Sensing
• Listening (to)
• Expressing

What steps do you need to take RIGHT NOW to shift your awareness into the present, and stay more attuned to or grounded in the present (not “captive to the past” or chasing after the future)?

Since reading this post, I’ve been trying to zoom in on the PRESENT moments in my life to see how I’m staying grounded in the present moment and I must say, I’ve had great difficulty in doing this.

As a result of my present circumstances with my mom, knowing her life could come to a sudden and abrupt end but not knowing exactly when this would happen has “knocked me for a six” as they would say. My PRESENT currently consists of taking care of mom’s immediate physical needs, taking care of the running of the household (cooking, cleaning etc) and then trying to hold myself together emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Mom Solo

Since mom’s diagnosis, I’ve not had much time (anytime for that matter) to actually sit down and really, seriously think about the thoughts running through my mind and the feelings attached to those thoughts. Occasionally, while I’m driving to work or from work (sometimes on my way to the shops to buy some perishable grocery items), I will have moments when I will allow myself to think about my current situation and the feelings attached would bring tears to my eyes. By the time the tears start flowing, I’m usually at the entrance to the shop so I quickly have to put the tears back where they came from, push all the thoughts into the recesses of my mind, put on a brave face and smile. By the time I’ve arrived home, I’m so busy focussing on getting supper started, served, kitchen cleaned and then attempt to focus on my studies and meet deadlines for assignments. This is what my PRESENT is about right now – no time to dwell on the past nor time to wonder about what the future holds.

Sometimes I get the SENSE that I’m losing myself somewhere along the way. Maybe not losing myself as much as “hiding my true self”. I’m SENSING that I’m becoming like a little pressure cooker just waiting to explode if that little valve is not released soon. I do, however, feel that delaying the release of that valve might be the best thing for me because I really don’t think I will be able to let it all out 100 percent until everything is over. I am SENSING that waiting until mom has gone from me physically and I can truly just cry – cry for when mom was diagnosed, cry for when we were given the news that the chemo was stopped because it was not working and told that there was nothing more the doctors could do for her. Cry for the loss of my dear mother, who bore me for 9 months, spent endless days and nights at hospital with me while doctors tried their best to correct my physical disability (other surgical procedures in-between). I need to cry for my mother who so bravely stuck it out in an abusive marriage for 38 years for the sake of her children, who finally found the courage to say “enough” and leave. Although the divorce tore our family apart, it brought mom and me closer together, we could finally be friends, taking comfort in each other and supporting each other.

I’m SENSING that I need to cry for this dear mother, for my loss and heaven’s gain but, now is just not the right time to do this. There will be time to do this and I will do this, when the right time comes.

What am I LISTENING to? Right now, I’m LISTENING to my heart which tells me that there is a time and a place for everything – everything in its own time. The rivers of tears building up inside of me right now, will come when the time is right. The time is not now.

What am I EXPRESSING? I’m expressing to you how I’m feeling right now. Can you understand what I’m saying? Am I making sense or is this just a garbled mess of words to you? Can you feel my pain? Have you been here yourself? Do you have some sort of an idea what I’m talking about?

One day when mom has passed on and I have time to reflect on my life, I will look at the questions at the beginning of this post again and try to answer them and see how my answers differ.

Love_Text with butterflies

Are you grounded in the present? Are you digesting your experiences as you go?

Are you captive to your past?

Are you chasing after your future?

Are you grounded in the present?

Dear Diary: It’s been a while . . .

Fish

When I started this blog I made a commitment to post a blog at least once per week, however, since the beginning of 2014, there have been many obstacles in my path which has made it extremely difficult to live up to this commitment.

It’s been a real battle to keep writing down my thoughts when there has been so much going on inside my head. Since taking over the running of the household from my mom to give her time to rest when she needs to, has really thrown me off balance.

From the time I enter our home in the evenings after work, I don’t have much time to think about anything except getting supper going, serving mom and spending some time with her before she goes off to bed. This usually involves us chatting while having supper, chatting while watching some television after our meal while having tea/coffee and biscuits before she decides to retire for the evening. This is usually when I get myself off the couch to clean the kitchen of all the dishes and to get things ready for the next day. My day is filled with planning tomorrow’s meal, shopping for little perishable goods at least twice per week and of course, cleaning the house when I can manage it.

What goes on inside my head, I hear you asking? Well, when not making up grocery lists, planning meals, thinking of ways I can make things easier and more comfortable for mom, I try to work on my assignments (another two due in April of which one is a three-page essay which needs a load of research), there are personal e-mails to read and respond to, social media contacts to keep in touch with (especially the ones who can help with me finding another job or those who can assist with information for my assignments).

To give you some idea of what my life was like in March – our home telephone was out of order for approximately two weeks. This meant constant “fighting” with our national service provider to fix it. While this was happening, mom’s medical aid informed us that they need a new script for her monthly supply which resulted in another “fight” between government healthcare, private healthcare and myself (me being passed around like a tennis ball in a tennis match). At the same time, my other telephone line at home which I use for the internet connection, also died so now I had two telephone lines which needed fixing as soon as possible. Then . . . my car decided he needed a holiday and ended up at the garage for two weeks waiting for the spare part to arrive before it could be fixed.

A week before the end of March I managed to get both telephone lines restored, mom’s medical script sorted and collected my car on the last working day of March repaired and ready to go again.

Oh, also during the month of March, I re-typed mom’s Last Will and Testament and made a Living Will for her together with a document outlining her last wishes (which included her selecting the hymns she wants us to sing at her funeral).

I do apologise for not being able to post blogs as often as I would like, but life is rather hectic on my side at present. I do hope you will understand. I will do my best to stick to my commitment, though!