Today I’ve decided to give you a link to a post I wrote in May 2015.
Tag Archives: memories
In Memory of Mom: Compassion and Support
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
The friend who can
be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen: was a Dutch-born Catholic priest, professor and writer
What I also wrote:
ONE YEAR DOWN THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED . . .
October 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/05/tapestry/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/to-each-life-there-is-a-season/
November 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/warning-emotional-volcano-about-to-erupt/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/27/dear-mom/
December 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/14/why-the-obsession-with-loneliness/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/24/christmas-and-new-year-blessings/
January 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/01/21/grief-mourning-and-bereavement-what-is-the-difference/
February 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/woman-heal-thyself/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/08/self-care-sunday-hard-questions-weightless/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/re-investing-in-life-moving-on/
March 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/how-to-find-the-balance-between-work-and-home-life/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/30/what-life-has-taught-me/
April 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/09/i-am-a-sensitive-child/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/14/me-the-budding-entrepreneur/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/green-is-the-colour-of-my-life/
June 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/07/i-am-capable/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/22/the-pain-of-watching-a-parent-age/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/stop-the-bus-i-want-to-get-off/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/what-happens-during-a-colonoscopy/
July 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/me-the-budding-voice-over-artiste/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/22/what-im-learning-on-my-journey-to-wealth-creation/
August 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/how-to-increase-your-financial-iq/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/river-of-life-a-time-for-reflection/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/18/finding-your-why/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/wild-geese/
September 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/01/im-not-extraordinary-enough-the-power-of-vulnerability/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/12/how-do-i-start-a-blog/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/21/my-life-as-an-introvert/
October 2015 (One year down the road less travelled):
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/dear-trauma-counsellor-i-have-ongoing-flashbacks-and-voices-in-my-head-that-just-wont-shut-up/
Conversations with myself: Perfect peace . . .
When Was The Last Time You Gave Away A Precious Stone?
There is much magic in the parable below. Without specifically saying so, it emphasizes the true rewards for having attained Personal Peace.
“There was once a wise woman traveling in the mountains who found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and she opened her bag to share her food.
The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked if she might give it to him. She did so without hesitation.
The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But only a few days later he came back to return the stone to the woman who had given it to him.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said, “I know how valuable the stone is, but I’m giving it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. I want you to give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.”
-Author Unknown
Conversations with myself: What will I be remembered for?
What does the life canvas you are creating reflect?
What kind of memories are you creating?
What memories or footprints do you want to leave behind? What will you be known/remembered for?
Are you creating good memories? What will people say about you when you are no longer around?
What have you done to make a difference? Have you made a difference in the life of your family, your colleagues, your friends?
I wonder what people would say about me? Would they say “she was pretty”, “intelligent”, “funny”, “smart”? Would they say “she really made a difference in the
lives of others”, “she was selfless”, “she lived for others”.
What memories will I leave behind? What does my canvas say?
Conversations with myself: I remember . . .
Good morning daddy. Remember me? I remember you. Not only today (on your birthday) but every birthday and everyday. We’ve had absolutely no contact for the last 11 years and I have absolutely no desire to contact you, see you or hear from you . . . still . . . I remember you.
Did you have a good birthday today? Did your new family spoil you like we used to do? Did you get presents and a cake? Do you remember the 50th surprise birthday party we had for you? You were speechless and did not eat for three days afterwards because you could not believe that we could arrange an entire party without you even being one bit suspicious? You who always made sure you were in control of everything all the time?
Do you remember us, daddy?
As I go through life, memories of you intrude my thoughts. I try to avoid saying “my dad used to say . . .” I often want to, but stop myself because I don’t want people to think that I idolise you or think that you’re my hero.
You stopped being my hero when, at the age of six I wanted to sit on your lap and you pushed me away saying “don’t be foolish. You’re a big girl now” and I walked away feeling rejected and alone. Demonstrating affection did not come naturally to mom because of the way she was raised, so I could not turn to mom for solace.
You stopped being my hero when, one day we were driving home after you picked me up from school. I was in Sub A (Grade 1) at the time, and you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I very proudly said I wanted to be a doctor (medical doctor) and you said “forget it. Being a doctor is not as glamorous as it appears to be. It’s a thankless job. You have to work long hours, on your feet all night for a little money. In any case, because of your disability, you will not be able to be on your feet for so long anyway so forget about being a doctor.”
Later, when you asked me what else I wanted to be and I said a pilot. Again, you said “forget it. With your disability, you will not be able to climb in and out of the cockpit”. “You will have to be a typist or a secretary like your mother”.
When you came to visit me in hospital or when you and mom left me to stay with grandma while you and mom went out, you never said goodbye. You would always “disappear” and I would be left wondering what happened to you? Would you come back? To this day, I live with separation anxiety issues. I still find it very hard to say good bye to anyone.
You see daddy – you destroyed my dreams very early on in my life. Still I remember you.
You ruled our house like it was a Nazi Concentration camp with all your rules and regulations. It was your way or the highway but still, I remember you. I lived in fear of you all my life. Just the threat of a beating with your belt, was enough to “make me obey”, but still, I remember you.
To the outside world, you were the perfect father. To me, you were always an “absent” father i.e. you gave me everything materially but emotionally you were always absent and distant. You blamed everything on your job. Your job (as a Paramedic) made you cold and hard to enable you to deal with the medical emergencies you had to deal with everyday. That was always your excuse. That was your excuse why you could not allow yourself to get “emotional”. It was the excuse mom had to live with when she accused you of not being able to show affection and love. You asked mom to teach you how to love, but how do you teach someone to love when they made up their mind so long ago that they would not show emotion and affection? After 38 years of marriage (having known you for 44 years) mom finally gave up and divorced you. For this reason we have chosen not to have any contact with you for the last 11 years (since the divorce).
Still . . . I remember you . . .
You live in my heart, you intrude my thoughts (even when I don’t want you to), I’m more like you than I’ve ever wanted to admit, and more than you will ever know, so I remember you . . .
You used to say:
• [When crossing the road] – look left, look right, look left again. Cross the road quickly. Don’t dawdle.
• [when dropping a sweet paper or tissue] – who do you think is going to pick that up? Pick it up and put it in the bin.
• [when leaving dishes on the table after a meal] who is your servant around here? Are those dishes going to walk to the sink and wash themselves? [if time did not permit me to wash the dishes immediately you would say] put water in the dish to make it easier to wash later.
• Always say “please” and “thank you”. It does not cost you anything.
• [on the days when I did not smile] – what do you have to look so miserable about? The world does not owe you anything. SMILE!
• Do unto others as you would have them do unto you [treat people with respect and they will respect you].
• Honour your father and mother. Even if your parent or both parents are alcoholics, they will always be your parents and you have to respect them irrespective of who or what they are.
• Time management: Always leave home one hour before your appointment to make allowances for delays along the way. You car could break down, you could get a flat tyre, be involved in an accident etc. There is no excuse for being late.
• Always work according to a system: If you check your car’s oil and water every week, you will never lose track of when last you checked and topped up. [Message: consistency eliminates problems later]
• Planning – always plan before you start something, don’t jump in feet first. Before you get into your car, plan your route, plan what you are going to do when you reach your destination, and plan what you are going to do on your way back so you are not a nuisance to other drivers on the road because you don’t know what you’re doing or where you are going.
• Answering the telephone – always have a pen and piece of paper in your hand when you answer the phone. While greeting the person on the phone, write down the date, time of call and person’s name so even if you forget the message, at least you will be able to say who called and what time they called. Also: if you are not able to give the message on the same day, at least you will be able to say when the person called.
• Driving – when driving in the rain, never put your foot on the brake pedal when driving over the white/yellow road markings in the road. Your car will go into a skid because of the oil and water mixed on the road surface and you could lose control of the car.
• Never drive fast through a puddle of water when it rains. Drive slowly through the water if you cannot go around the puddle. You don’t know what lies beneath the puddle.
• In everything you do, make sure you do it right, first time, every time. It wastes time to go back and have to do it again and time is money. Don’t waste your time or anybody else’s time.
• If you use the last of something (tea, coffee, sugar, toilet paper etc) replace it. If you can’t replace it, TELL SOMEONE. Don’t just walk away.
• When you heard someone complain about their job you used to say: someone has to do it.
• It never rains, it pours
• Trouble always comes in three’s
• There’s always two sides to every story (even though you never gave us a chance to tell you our side)
You see daddy, no matter where I go or what I do, I still remember you.
Do you remember me?
Hope you had a wonderful birthday today with your new family.
In Pursuit of my African Dream – My life is a reflective garden
As the year slowly draws to a close, I am in a reflective mood. Listening to the sounds of the Boney M Christmas Collection CD while driving in my car, my mind goes back 30 years when we, as a family, ventured out on our first camping trip, caravan in tow behind us as we listened to the very same music which was, of course, on cassette tape at the time and not on CD.
It took me back to sitting around a camp fire at night in a caravan park in Knysna – friends and acquaintances made, memories of a holiday romance that never went any further than being just that – a holiday romance. I think of “him” often and wonder if he still remembers me and the good times we shared? I know that “he” is happily married with two children (last time I heard), hence the reason why I will not give in to the urge to try to find “him” even though I have a pretty good idea of where I can find “him”. I am reminded of how various people we meet along life’s journey help to shape us into who we are now.
Maybe life is like a garden, is what I’m thinking right now. Maybe relationships are cultivated like flowers or vegetables. I like to see things as growing, flowering and producing.
What makes a garden? Can you walk into a shop and buy a ready-made garden? I don’t think so. You need to grow them . . . everything that grows, starts off as a tiny seed hidden from view. This leads me to asking myself three questions:
1) What seeds have already come to life in me?
2) What seeds remain hidden in me, waiting for the right time to grow?
3) Are the current conditions in my life the right conditions for some more seeds to start growing?
Gardens need water and sunshine. These are gifts which cannot be bought and cannot be demanded, but we can recognise and receive them. Where does this water and sunshine come from?
• The love of a friend?
• Time alone in a special place?
Gardens need pollination by insects, birds and the wind if they are to grow and flourish, so, within our personal gardens, there must be movement . . . exchange – how does this happen?
• By talking and listening to friends?
• By taking part in a group?
Gardening involves preventing infection and attack to protect what is growing. This can be hard work and does not always go according to plan.
• What might damage the growth in me?
• What needs protecting and who can help me?
Gardens need both cultivation and wildness. A garden which is too wild may not be too hospitable or practical. A garden which is too cultivated loses its connection with the rawness of nature.
• How and where do I find the balance in my life?
• How can I change this for the better?
Gardening involves cutting back and taking out. Sometimes the action seems drastic and we wonder if we have gone too far.
• What needs pruning or shaping in my life?
• Are there things I regret having cut out of my life? Why?
What type of garden do I have at this point in my life?
• A neglected garden – overgrown or healthily wild?
• A kitchen garden – full to overflowing, producing food for many?
• A formal garden – impressive, providing space for others?
• A suburban garden – both beautiful and practical?
• A cottage garden – modest, but with the potential for abundance?
• A secret garden – a place known only to me?
• Another type of garden, perhaps?
Which of the following statements make sense to you as you read this?
• I want to be hospitable, to bring people together
• I know I want to take these fences down but I’m not sure I can
• There is a part of me which will be amazing when it flowers
• I want to play and be full of joy
• I was excited about one bit but then it got damaged
• Some parts are not growing well, but I don’t know why
• I was going to sort out this bit but something else cropped up
• These parts are growing fast and will offer much food
As I continue to reflect on my life and this past year, I am reminded of the poem “Life is but a weaving” (also known as The Tapestry poem) by Corrie Ten Boom which goes like this . . .
Life is But a Weaving
Corrie Ten Boom (The Tapestry Poem)
My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned
He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.
(Corrie Ten Boom often used this poem as she described a Tapestry that hangs currently at the museum. I challenge you to read, “The Hiding Place).
africandream01 