Today I’ve decided to give you a link to a post I wrote in May 2015.
Tag Archives: dying
In Memory of Mom: Compassion and Support
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
The friend who can
be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen: was a Dutch-born Catholic priest, professor and writer
What I also wrote:
ONE YEAR DOWN THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED . . .
October 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/05/tapestry/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/to-each-life-there-is-a-season/
November 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/warning-emotional-volcano-about-to-erupt/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/27/dear-mom/
December 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/14/why-the-obsession-with-loneliness/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/24/christmas-and-new-year-blessings/
January 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/01/21/grief-mourning-and-bereavement-what-is-the-difference/
February 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/woman-heal-thyself/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/08/self-care-sunday-hard-questions-weightless/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/re-investing-in-life-moving-on/
March 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/how-to-find-the-balance-between-work-and-home-life/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/30/what-life-has-taught-me/
April 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/09/i-am-a-sensitive-child/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/14/me-the-budding-entrepreneur/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/green-is-the-colour-of-my-life/
June 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/07/i-am-capable/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/22/the-pain-of-watching-a-parent-age/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/stop-the-bus-i-want-to-get-off/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/what-happens-during-a-colonoscopy/
July 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/me-the-budding-voice-over-artiste/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/22/what-im-learning-on-my-journey-to-wealth-creation/
August 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/how-to-increase-your-financial-iq/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/river-of-life-a-time-for-reflection/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/18/finding-your-why/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/wild-geese/
September 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/01/im-not-extraordinary-enough-the-power-of-vulnerability/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/12/how-do-i-start-a-blog/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/21/my-life-as-an-introvert/
October 2015 (One year down the road less travelled):
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/dear-trauma-counsellor-i-have-ongoing-flashbacks-and-voices-in-my-head-that-just-wont-shut-up/
In Memory of Mom: Scattering the Ashes . . .
Where and how can I scatter cremation ashes?
Many people will hold a funeral memorial service, as well as an ashes scattering ceremony.
There are many options when it comes to scattering ashes.
If the land is privately owned, permission from the owner of the land will suffice. If the land is public, you will need to check with local authorities for any regulations.
Ashes can be scattered in lieu of preserving them in an urn, grave, or keeping them in someone’s home.
Some people have specific places where they want their ashes to be scattered, others prefer their ashes be scattered in a particular manner.
Some of the most popular and common places to scatter the ashes are in a river, pond, lake, hillside, golf course, hunting ground, flower bed, hiking trail, or garden.
Location will determine the method of scattering, but there is a specially designed urn called a “Scattering Urn” that can ease the task and maintain the sense of dignity in the service.
There are several different methods that can be used to scatter ashes:
• Casting – the act of simply tossing the ashes to the wind. This is usually done by one individual person or a group of people in front of a grieving “audience”. The ashes will fall to the ground immediately, but the person tossing them should pay attention to the direction of the wind.
• Trenching – This is done on land when a shallow trench or groove is dug in the soil. The ashes are poured into the trench, and then the soil is raked over at the end of the ceremony. Candles can be lit around the trench or a special symbol can be drawn over the trench.
• Racking – The ashes are poured from the “scattering urn” evenly and loosely on the soil. They are then racked over and into the ground.
• Green Burial – A hole is made in the soil, and the ashes are pored into the biodegradable urn or the ashes are scattered onto the soil.
• Raking- The ashes are poured from the scattering urn evenly on loose soil and raked into the ground. This is often how it is done in the scattering gardens that are now located in many cemeteries. Your funeral director can help you find a scattering garden in your area.
• Water Scattering – A “water-soluble urn” are specifically designed to gradually disperse the ashes back into the sea or body of water. Ashes can be cast directly into the water, but may get caught in the wind and cling to the sides of the boat. A water soluble urn will float for several minutes then slowly sink where it will degrade. The family members aboard the boat can cast flower pedals as a final tribute to the deceased.
There is great comfort in the idea that a loved one’s remains can forever be associated with a place that had special significance to them and their family.
The ceremony of the scattering the ashes can help give family members and friends the closure they need and begin the grieving process.
What I also wrote:
ONE YEAR DOWN THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED . . .
October 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/05/tapestry/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/to-each-life-there-is-a-season/
November 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/warning-emotional-volcano-about-to-erupt/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/27/dear-mom/
December 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/14/why-the-obsession-with-loneliness/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/24/christmas-and-new-year-blessings/
January 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/01/21/grief-mourning-and-bereavement-what-is-the-difference/
February 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/woman-heal-thyself/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/08/self-care-sunday-hard-questions-weightless/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/re-investing-in-life-moving-on/
March 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/how-to-find-the-balance-between-work-and-home-life/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/30/what-life-has-taught-me/
April 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/09/i-am-a-sensitive-child/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/14/me-the-budding-entrepreneur/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/green-is-the-colour-of-my-life/
June 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/07/i-am-capable/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/22/the-pain-of-watching-a-parent-age/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/stop-the-bus-i-want-to-get-off/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/what-happens-during-a-colonoscopy/
July 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/me-the-budding-voice-over-artiste/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/22/what-im-learning-on-my-journey-to-wealth-creation/
August 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/how-to-increase-your-financial-iq/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/river-of-life-a-time-for-reflection/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/18/finding-your-why/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/wild-geese/
September 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/01/im-not-extraordinary-enough-the-power-of-vulnerability/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/12/how-do-i-start-a-blog/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/21/my-life-as-an-introvert/
October 2015 (One year down the road less travelled):
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/dear-trauma-counsellor-i-have-ongoing-flashbacks-and-voices-in-my-head-that-just-wont-shut-up/
In Memory of Mom: Flowers for my mother . . .
This week marks the first year anniversary of the death of my mother. For this reason and for this week only, I will do a series of posts In Memory of Mom as my way of getting through this week.
I hope you will join me on this journey . . .
Funeral Flowers for Funeral and Memorial Services
One popular way to express your sympathy when someone dies is to send flowers to the surviving family or the deceased funeral. It is sometimes hard to express sympathetic feelings in words. When you give flowers for a funeral, the meaning is understood. When people give flowers, they are giving an expression of love, respect, and sympathy. Funeral flowers are just a symbol of these feelings. Funeral flowers create a feeling of warmth and beauty at the funeral or memorial gathering.
Selecting funeral flowers needs to encompass a message of sorrow, sympathy, and love.
The flowers you choose can express feelings and emotions and can send a meaningful message. Below are several popular flowers and what they symbolize to help you decide which ones you might want to use.
• Lilies are often interpreted as a symbol of the innocence that has been restored to the soul of the departed. A white stargazer lily symbolizes sympathy and a white lily expresses majesty and purity.
• Carnations have lasting fragrance. It was believed that the flower first appeared on earth as a result of the tears of the Virgin Mary. They are a symbol of undying love. A red carnation evokes admiration, while a pink carnation stands for remembrance. White carnations stand for pure love and innocence
• Iris – Based on Goddess Iris was the links heaven and earth. Purple Iris have for hundreds of years been planted over the graves of women so that they could summon the Goddess Iris to lead their souls to heaven. The bright color of the leaves and the flowers make it popular with florists.
• Tulips represent elegance and grace. The color of tulips also has meaning. Yellow tulips represent cheerfulness, white represents forgiveness, and purple represents royalty. The red tulip is said to represent perfect love
• Stock flower would be your choice if you want to use a flower that symbolizes a happy and a contented existence.
• Chrysanthemums (Mums) -frequently used in arrangements. White chrysanthemums are often understood to symbolize truth.
• Gladiolus embodies strength of character, sincerity, and moral integrity,
• Roses can be a beautiful part of an arrangement. A white rose evokes reverence, humility, innocence, and youthfulness. Red roses convey respect, love, and courage, love, grace, and gentility are the message that pink roses convey.
• Marjoram conveys comfort and consolation.
• Nasturtium celebrates patriotism.
Many species of flowers come in a variety of colors, so understanding the meaning behind the colors can also help one in picking just the right flower to express exactly what they want to convey.
• Blue – peace, calm and serenity
• Pink – grace, happiness, youth, innocence, joy
• Purple – royalty, dignity, pride, success, accomplishment, admiration
• Red – desire, strength, love
• White – innocence, humility, simple beauty, modesty, elegance
• Orange – pride, energy, enthusiasm, warmth, confidence, satisfaction, passion
• Lavender – refinement, grace, elegance, feminine beauty
Flowers can be arranged in different ways according to how you are going to display them.
• Wreaths – Gladiolus. Snap Dragons, lilies, and even roses can be used to create a wreath that can be placed on the side of the funeral casket.
• Sprays can be large or small. Small flowers can be shaped like hearts, nosegays and can be placed inside the casket. Quarter and half casket sprays are placed on the lowered lid of an open casket. Full casket sprays cover the length of an open or closed casket. This is usually sent by the immediate family and the undertaker normally arranges for this on behalf of the family.
• Baskets serves as a keepsake and is a lovely alternative to more traditional pieces. The basket is a long lasting gift of natural beauty. A basket arrangement may also be sent to a private home.
• Sympathy plants provide a lasting tribute to the loved one lost, as well as a constant reminder of the friendship and affection you wish to support through the grieving process.
Remember, funeral flowers honour the dead and console the living.
ONE YEAR DOWN THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED . . .
October 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/05/tapestry/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/10/31/to-each-life-there-is-a-season/
November 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/warning-emotional-volcano-about-to-erupt/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/11/27/dear-mom/
December 2014:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/14/why-the-obsession-with-loneliness/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2014/12/24/christmas-and-new-year-blessings/
January 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/01/21/grief-mourning-and-bereavement-what-is-the-difference/
February 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/woman-heal-thyself/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/08/self-care-sunday-hard-questions-weightless/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/re-investing-in-life-moving-on/
March 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/how-to-find-the-balance-between-work-and-home-life/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/03/30/what-life-has-taught-me/
April 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/09/i-am-a-sensitive-child/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/14/me-the-budding-entrepreneur/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/green-is-the-colour-of-my-life/
June 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/07/i-am-capable/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/22/the-pain-of-watching-a-parent-age/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/stop-the-bus-i-want-to-get-off/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/06/25/what-happens-during-a-colonoscopy/
July 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/me-the-budding-voice-over-artiste/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/07/22/what-im-learning-on-my-journey-to-wealth-creation/
Mother’s Day 2014 Rhebokskloof
August 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/how-to-increase-your-financial-iq/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/river-of-life-a-time-for-reflection/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/18/finding-your-why/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/wild-geese/
September 2015:
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/01/im-not-extraordinary-enough-the-power-of-vulnerability/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/12/how-do-i-start-a-blog/
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/09/21/my-life-as-an-introvert/
October 2015 (One year down the road less travelled):
https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/dear-trauma-counsellor-i-have-ongoing-flashbacks-and-voices-in-my-head-that-just-wont-shut-up/
The pain of watching a parent age
I’ve been battling to find time to post these last few weeks. I’ve scribbled a few ideas on paper but have not been able to actually finish them off.
This post today has been prompted by a television programme I watched recently where an elderly father wanted his son to take him across State lines to visit a friend and colleague he worked with in his younger days. The friend is dying and the old man just wanted to make sure he saw him before he died. The son is addicted to his job and resented having to tear himself away from his job to help his elderly dad.
Watching this tug-of-war between father and son just brought back so many memories for me of my own relationship with my mom in the last fourteen months before she died. From the time my mom got sick, I made sure my work and my entire life came second and mom came first – always! and watching this tug-of-war between this father and son tonight made me realise how precious our last few months and hours are with our elderly parents.
My mom was not really old (she was seventy one when she died) but her illness caused her to be confined to bed for the last few months of her life. Most of what I experienced with mom was part of the natural ageing process but in my mom’s case, was accelerated by her illness. Let me share some of these with you and hopefully you will get the picture.
Loss of short term memory: This is part of the natural ageing process and usually progresses slowly until, in some cases, Alzeimers disease will set in – but not all ageing people end up with Alzeimers disease. In my mom’s case, her short term memory loss was age related but was accelerated by the brain tumour so as the tumour grew, the short term memory was almost completely taken over by her long term memory i.e. she could remember things that happened years ago but could not remember what happened that morning.
The urgency of doing things NOW – not being able to wait until later: This is also part of the natural ageing process and gets worse the closer they get to death. Again, in my mom’s case, this was accelerated by her brain tumour to the point where five minutes seemed like an eternity to her, which means I was kept on my toes all the time because mom immediately felt abandoned if left alone for too long.
Child taking the role of parent: I think this is the most difficult part of the ageing process where the child has to take over the role of bed bathing, brushing the teeth, combing the hair, dressing when the parent can no longer move around freely and is confined to bed. This, I think, was the most difficult part of mom’s illness for both of us, when mom had to resign herself to the fact that she just cannot do this herself anymore and also brought home to me just how ill mom really was. I did, however try my best to do this part with as much dignity as possible.
I had to be very subtle in the way I suggested replacing underwear with diapers to avoid soiling the bed and had to ensure this was done in the most dignified way possible.
Spending time just listening: The closer mom got to her final days, the more she just wanted me to be with her to just listen – telling the same old stories I’ve heard a million times before going as far back as her primary school days. To listen without getting impatient, without saying “yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that so many times before”. I just kept quiet and listened for as long as it took. Preparing the next meal, washing dishes or doing the laundry just had to wait, I had to listen. In the end I was glad I took the time to listen because it kept mom calm and stress free to the end.
This television programme I watched recently showed how impatient the son got with his father when all the father wanted was for his son to spend time with him. The look of sadness and abandonment in the father’s eyes made me feel so sad because even just five minutes would have meant the world to the father and yet the son was not even prepared to sacrifice that five minutes of his time.
The night before mom died she was very restless and could not get to sleep. I continuously had to go into her room just to be there, to lay down next to her, just to hold her hand and tell her everything will be alright. Right up until the morning of her death, mom was like a little girl just needing comfort and reassurance that everything was going to be alright. That’s all that mattered in the end.
My job and my job title did not matter – the only thing that mattered was being there.
We, the younger generation need to slow down, stop and “smell the roses”. We need to stop trying to rush our parent(s) into handing over everything to us so we can take over and control their lives. We need to help them live a life of independence and dignity for as long as possible instead of trying to control them because we want to make things easier for ourselves.
Parents feel they need to be parents right up to the end and that is why we, as children need to take control without them losing their dignity as parents.
We should allow them to remain parents and we should continue to respect them as such right to the end (even though we have taken control of their worldly goods).
Additional note:
Children are often in too much of a hurry to take over the parents’ house and entire life thinking they are making things easier for the parent when, in fact, the parent struggles to let go because they see this as losing their dignity and freedom which they want to hold on to as long as possible.
Role reversal is as difficult for the parent as it is for the child. As children we need to remember that even though we are having to parent our parent(s), we still need to treat them as parents and not as children. Still speak as a child to a parent and not the other way around.
Children need to be more tolerant and patient when this stage comes and gradually take over once the parent is ready to hand over the reigns – but not to rush in and try to grab everything from the parent(s) all at once.
How to find the balance between work and home life
Throughout my fourteen month journey of being primary caregiver to my dying mom and even now through the last five months of grief/mourning, I have not (yet) asked the question “why?”
When someone you love dies – especially when you were so closely and deeply connected throughout the whole process, it is natural to ask questions like “why me?”, “Why did he/she have to die?”, or “Why now?” I have not questioned what I previously believed about life and death and even about God.
What I would like and know that I can never get again, is my old life with mom – sharing jokes, going for coffee, the arguments, the difference of opinion, sharing the box of chocolates or slab of chocolate, going for a scenic drive, learning new things together, sitting at the beach eating ice cream . . .
Bereavement and mourning is a universal and integral part of our experience of love. Someone once said:
“Tears are how our heart speaks when our lips cannot describe how much we have been hurt.”
The question I have been asking up to now has been “What is the meaning of life? What really matters?”
The answer that I have come up with is that I want more of a life/work balance. I want to work smarter and not harder. I don’t want to be rich, I just want to live comfortably, able to enjoy what life I have left on this mortal earth. Watching my mom on her journey to eternity made me realise that all that matters is having your loved ones around to support you through your journey – something money cannot buy.
The last nineteen months has therefore taken me on a journey to discover “who am I really and what exactly do I want out of life?” The answer for me has been that I don’t want to be stuck behind a desk for eight or nine hours per day. I want to earn an honest living to survive but I also want time to enjoy moments sitting on the beach or in the park watching children play.
While preparing to write this blog I came across the writings of David Whyte on How to Break the Tyranny of Work/Life: Three marriages work/life balance he mentions the following quote:
“We are each a river with a particular abiding character, but we show totally different aspects of our self according to the territory through which we travel”
I also came across the following quote by Dave Hedges asking the question: What is life really about? And the quote goes like this . . .
“Life’s not about the things you’ve bought, it’s about the things you’ve built.
Life’s not about what you’ve got, it’s about what you’ve shared with others.
Life’s not about your successes, it’s about the lessons learned along the way.”
What lessons have you learned along this “Journey called life”?
Recommended reading:
• The Three Marriages Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship Find it here
• How we grow by John Emmerson: Find it here
• Glorious Meditation on Solitude: Find it here
• The Importance of Excess in Creative Work by Anais Nin: Find it here
• Letting your life Speak by Parker Palmer: Find it here
• Floundering to find his purpose: Van Gogh: Find it here
Woman, Heal Thyself . . .
Starting today, I need to forget what’s gone,
Appreciate what still remains
And look forward to what’s coming next.
– Anonymous
In my last post I wrote about grieving, mourning and bereavement because this is the stage of life I am in right now. Everywhere I go, everyone wants to know how I am coping with my loss so this week I’m focusing on coping – how am I coping? Am I coping?
Ways of Coping:
Research has taught us that various approaches used in the coping process are grouped into eight coping factors:
• Confrontive Coping: describes aggressive efforts to alter the situation and suggests some degree of hostility and risk-taking. (Anger)
• Distancing: describes cognitive efforts to detach oneself and to minimize the significance of the situation. (Denial)
• Self-Controlling: describes efforts to regulate one’s feelings and actions.
• Seeking Social Support: describes efforts to seek informational support, tangible support, and emotional support.
• Accepting Responsibility: acknowledges one’s own role in the problem with a concomitant theme of trying to put things right. (Acceptance)
• Escape-Avoidance: describes wishful thinking and behavioral efforts to escape or avoid the problem. Items on this scale contrast with those on the Distancing scale, which suggest detachment. (Bargaining)
• Planful Problem Solving: describes deliberate problem-focused efforts to alter the situation, coupled with an analytic approach to solving the problem. (Acceptance)
• Positive Reappraisal: describes efforts to create positive meaning by focusing on personal growth. It often also has a religious dimension.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her 1969 book On Death & Dying (http://www.amazon.com/On-Death-Dying-Doctors-Families/dp/1476775540) described the following five well-known stages of grief:
• Denial— “It can’t be happening.”—Ignore or discount the evidence.
• Anger— “Why me? It’s not fair!”—Highlight the injustice. Blame someone or something else for the loss.
• Bargaining— “Just let me live to see my children graduate.”—Negotiate a better deal, gain time.
• Depression— “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”—Act helpless.
• Acceptance— “It’s going to be OK.”—Acknowledge the problem, understand and accept what you can and cannot change, and move on.
Responses at each stage that illustrate each of these styles could, for example be:
• Confrontive coping approach: Shouting a profanity, slamming and kicking the refrigerator door before blaming someone (self, spouse, bad luck, always happens, the dog)
• A distancing approach could be: reading the newspaper, turning on the TV, shining shoes, or doing other things to delay and distract from acknowledging the problem.
• A self-controlling approach would be telling yourself: “now stay calm, it’s not the end of the world”, “it’s really no big deal” as you calm down enough to take problem-focused action.
• Seeking social support – you might ask your spouse or significant other for sympathy, understanding or help.
• Acknowledging approach – you accept responsibility for your actions which leads quickly to accurately recognising, acknowledging and solving the problem.
• Escape-avoidance approach – you might shout “help me” with the vague hope someone will hear and respond to your call for help.
• Planful Problem Solving – leads to the alternatives and solutions originally described above
• Positive reappraisal – you may remind yourself that “whatever does not kill you, makes you stronger” or that God is testing you with this challenge/problem/struggle.
Coping requires resources:
Our ability to cope depends on the resources (human and financial) we can apply to solving the problems. What might be trivial to someone with the necessary resources can become a matter of life and death to someone who does not have the necessary resources.
Resources to help in coping may include: intelligence, education, experience, creativity, money, tools, materials, social skills, emotional competency, perspective, perseverance, resolve, tranquility, serenity, tolerance, rest, supportive friends and family, charm, health and energy, optimism, time, patience, confidence, courage, judgment, ingenuity, and other personal strengths.
If resources are unavailable or become exhausted then coping becomes less effective, suspends, or stops altogether. Coping may resume if resources again become available.
A simple example of this is regaining strength and resolve from a good night’s sleep and hearty breakfast. A more complex example is the long wait for relief aid that refugees may face.
Stress is the word we use to describe the resources consumed by coping; these are the resources required to counteract a stressor.
So, how am I doing? I think I’m coping for now.
Life is not what it’s supposed to be
It is what it is
The way you cope with it is
What makes the difference.
– Virginia Satir
Two Aspects of Coping
There are two main aspects of coping:
1) Solving the material or physical problem (fixing what’s broken, in the case of illness – healing the person or moving heaven and earth to find a cure for whatever is causing the illness/pain/discomfort)
2) Addressing the accompanying emotions (an emotion-focussed coping approach) – this kicks in when the person who is ill cannot be cured/healed (chronic illness)
Effective coping accurately recognises what you can change (your behaviour/attitude/make the sick person as comfortable as possible etc) and what you cannot (you cannot cure/heal the sick person).
Ineffective coping confuses the two.
Table Mountain, Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
So, how have I been coping?
Well, I’ve been trying to get out into the wonderful South African sunshine as often as I can. I’ve been going for long drives along our coastline – my drives, however, are limited to weekends because during the week Monday – Friday I have a full time job which keeps me stuck in a concrete jungle for eight to nine hours per day.
One of the longest drives I’ve taken in the last few weeks has been to a little town called Darling.
Welcome to Darling
Next, I visited a cousin on my mom’s side who lives in Gordon’s Bay . . .
Gordon’s Bay on a cloudy day
This was followed by a trip to Simonstown . . .
Just before entering Glencairn on your way to Simonstown
The last drive taken last week was to Hout Bay . . .
View from The Lookout Deck Restaurant in Hout Bay
When something bad happens you have three choices.
You can either let it define you, destroy you
Or you can let it strengthen you.
– Anonymous
References
Stress and Emotion: A New Synthesis , by Richard S. Lazarus
Coping Theory and Research: Past, Present, and Future, Richard S. Lazarus, Psychosomatic Medicine 55:234-247 (1993)
http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/coping.htm
Grief, Mourning and Bereavement – what is the difference?
Hello everyone!
Welcome to my “journey called life” and welcome to 2015. Can you believe we are already in the 21st day of January? Where has the time gone?
To all my loyal followers and to the new ones who have joined along the way, as the New Year begins, let us pray that it will be a year with new Peace, new Happiness and Abundance of new friends. May God bless you throughout the New Year.
Please accept my sincere apologies for the long break since my last post on 24 December 2014. My regular followers would know that I lost my mom to Cancer on 27 October 2014 so my sister and I have had to face our first Christmas and New Year without our mom.
Then on 8 January 2015 we received the news that our dad had died which had a whole host of emotions of its own attached (we’ve had no contact since my parents divorce) and he died a day before the 13th anniversary of their divorce.
The 18th January 2015 would have been mom’s birthday and it was our first one without her so more emotional stuff to deal with here.
In between all of this, I was kept busy with the Administration of my Late mom’s Estate – if any of you have ever been an Executor of an Estate you will know how much paperwork this all entails.
Amidst all the emotional turmoil and administrative paperwork, I am also trying to set up a home-based business which needs to be up and running by June 2015 so I can be earning a steady income by January 2016.
So much thought needs to go into setting up a website (what I want it to look like), content (what I want to say on the website), what services I will be offering etc. This actually takes up a lot of time (mentally) and physically sitting behind a computer.
While going through all the emotional turmoil of what I’ve mentioned above, I’ve been wondering about the difference between grief, mourning and bereavement.
People generally use these words interchangeably but what do they really mean?
Is there a difference between grief, mourning and bereavement?
I tried doing a Google search and this is what I found:
Grief, Mourning and Bereavement – what is the difference?
• Grief is the response or reaction to a loss
• Bereavement refers to the state of the loss
• Mourning is the action you take following a loss
God knew we would mourn our losses because He said:
“Blessed are they that mourn:
for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)
Read the rest here : http://www.examiner.com/article/the-difference-between-grieving-mourning-and-bereavement
Other sources say:
Grief is what you think and feel inside when someone you loves dies. It’s the numbness, sadness, anger, regret, all rolled up into one. It’s the pain in your gut and a hole in your chest.
Mourning is expressing your grief, letting it out somehow. You mourn when you cry, talk about the death, write about it, or punch something.
Read the rest here: http://www.pastoralcareinc.com/counseling/difference-between-grief-mourning/
More links on the subject of Grief, Mourning and Bereavement:
http://griefandmourning.com/grief-and-mourning-distinguishe#comment-2510
http://www.thecarecommunity.com/GriefSafePlace/DougsBlog/tabid/63/mid/385/newsid385/210/Default.aspx
I hope you have found this post inspirational and the links useful.
Please let me know if you have any questions on other topics you would like me to do some research on. It’s an opportunity for us to learn together.
Till next time.
Conversations with myself: When a man loves a woman . . .
In the country where I live, we have recently been shocked by the brutal rape and murder of a 17-year old young woman. What was so striking about this particular rape is the manner in which it was done. Newspapers reported that besides being gang raped, this woman had a broken bottle pushed into her vagina and left there, she was slit open with a knife from her throat all the way down to her vagina. Her internal organs were strewn around her outside her body in the sand. She had all her fingers broken and both her legs were broken. She was left to die where a security guard found her the next day. She was rushed to hospital (barely alive) transferred to two different hospitals in the process because those who turned her away just did not have the resources to deal with her kind of injuries. She finally died at the last hospital but not before she told her foster mother who violated her so brutally.
Some newspapers reported (maybe speculated?) that it was her boyfriend who she had just recently rejected. Was he a member of the gang or was he the leader of this particular group? Did he initiate and actually do her harm or did he instruct one of the other members of the gang to do it? We don’t know the full story at this stage because Police are still investigating.
In my conversation with myself I am asking the question: what could possibly have gone so wrong in the lives of these young men for them to inflict such gross brutality on a young woman – a woman they knew personally? Besides the one being her boyfriend (or ex boyfriend), the others were raised alongside her like brothers – she trusted each one of these men with her life. Why wouldn’t she? Her mother trusted them – why wouldn’t she?
Raping a woman is bad enough – if they really needed to kill her for fear of identification, why could they not just stab her or shoot her? Why disembowel her? Why push a broken bottle into her vagina, break all her fingers and both her legs?
They say a woman is like a teabag – you don’t know her strength until you put her in boiling water. I’ve broken more than one bone in my body (one at a time) and I know how painful it can be but I cannot even begin to imagine what this young girl must have endured for a whole night till the security guard found her and then while she was being transported from one hospital to another in search of some relief and assistance. According to news reports, this young lady endured all this pain and suffering until her mother found her at the hospital. After naming her rapists she told her mother she was tired and sore and she wants to sleep now. Her mother pulled the blanket over her body, she closed her eyes and died.
Would I have been able to last this long? I don’t know. I do have a high pain threshold, but high enough to endure this kind of violation? I don’t know – I really don’t know.
Coming back to my conversation with myself – I’m still asking the question, what could have gone wrong in the lives of these men to cause them to have to inflict such brutal harm to a woman? Where they abused, neglected or brutally assaulted (physically or emotionally) during their lifetimes? Was this a first offence for them or have they raped before? If they have raped before, was it as brutal? If not, why not? If yes, why? Why is it necessary to inflict this much pain and suffering on another human being? Did they leave the scene satisfied that their need was met? What was that need? How did they sleep that night? Was it a restful sleep? Did they have nightmares? Did they feel a sense of achievement?
This particular case has received a lot of media coverage – how do the perpetrators feel now that they are all over the news on TV and in the newspapers? Their names are known – it has been published. They are all in their early 20’s – I cannot believe that men so young can inflict so much harm.
The gang of 3 or 4 who raped and mutilated this woman (3 have been taken in for questioning so we don’t know if there are any still to be arrested at this stage) – are they part of a larger gang and this was part of their initiation? Was it a gang “dare”? Are they now seen as celebrities in gang-land? Are they heroes now?
The community is outraged – the whole of South Africa is outraged so the only people who would see them as heroes right now would be other gang members – though I still don’t see how that could be possible.
Was the brutality inflicted in an act of rage or severe jealousy? People with controlling behaviours/personalities would usually reason “if I can’t have you, nobody else will”. Was this the case here? Was he so deeply hurt by her rejection of him that he wanted to hurt her back because he could not MAKE her love him? Why did he find it so difficult to cope with rejection? What part did the other members of the gang play in all of this? Did they all take turns to rape her before she was so brutally disembowelled or did they just watch the boyfriend to all this to her?
The community wants to see the perpetrators punished. Everyone is calling for the death penalty to be reinstated. This will not happen. Others are calling for these men to be castrated but as we all know rape is about power and control and not about sex and castrating these men will not deal with their anger issues. It will, in fact, fuel the anger to be more brutal next time. Locking them up in a prison cell, in my mind, will not work either because, again, they will have the opportunity to only get more angry and frustrated and when they are finally released from prison, they will take that anger and frustration out on someone else – again more brutal and vicious than the last. So what is the solution? How do we stop this from happening again? How do we protect our women and children?
Mutilation is usually evidence of extreme anger, anger beyond control and gang rape is usually an expression of “punishment” – either the victim is being punished for something she did or did not do or the perpetrator is being “punished” by the gang leader for something he did or did not do.
Castration – the removal of the genitals – the penis is only one of many instruments used to perpetrate rape. If the man no longer has a penis, he will find another instrument to inflict pain, this could be a broken glass bottle, a broom stick, a tree branch etc. Removing the penis does not deal with the anger and frustration. In fact, it will only make the problem worse.
Public and politician’s outrage saying “enough is enough” will not make the problem magically disappear. Standing on a podium or marching in a group is not going to make the rapist stand back and say “ooohh, I’m sooo scared, I better not to that again”. It’s like saying to a naughty child, “if you don’t stop being naughty . . . ‘’ Unless the child faces the consequences for his/her actions, the child will continue with the deviant behaviour. So too with the rapist – until he faces the consequences for his actions, he is not going to stop and the consequences must be fitting and appropriate in proportion to the crime committed.
I really wish someone out there can enlighten me – tell me where I can look for the theory or theories that will explain and give me logical answers to my questions because right now, right this minute, I really don’t understand the reasoning behind this senseless act of pure cruelty. That one human being can be this cruel towards another – especially that the victim was a defenceless female.
africandream01 