To each life there is a season . . .

I know it’s been a while since my last post and I do apologise for the break but it’s been a very trying few weeks for me.

On 9 October we found out that mom’s cancer has spread to her spine and brain. Doctors decided to reduce the new tumours through radium treatment to ease the pressure on her nerves (the pressure on her nerves caused numbness in her left arm and hand) and doctors felt that if they did not do emergency radium treatment, she would lose feeling in her entire body eventually. So mom was admitted to hospital immediately for a course of 5 treatments with an emergency treatment being done on the same night of admission.

Here’s a picture of mom after her third radium session (just back from radiology department)

Mom was discharged from hospital on Wednesday 15 October and was to return to hospital on Monday 27 October 2014 for a further 6 sessions of radium treatment on her brain. This was not to be. On Monday 27 October 2014 mom lost her fight with cancer. She died peacefully in her sleep in her own bed at home at 14:30.

Today 30 October 2014 we said goodbye to mom at her funeral service.

After the funeral service, I took a drive to Mouille Point Lighthouse (one of my favourite places). I stopped along the way to buy a McFlurry (ice cream) at McDonalds remembering how mom could not wait for me to suggest buying a McFlurry after I first introduced her to it. All the memories came flooding back of how we used to buy our ice cream, drive until we found “the perfect spot” to park and enjoy our ice cream while chatting about things.

Oh how I miss you today mom and all the good times we shared. I’m sitting staring at the waves as I’m eating my ice cream and I’m just so sad. I know you’re in a better place mom, free from all the pain, but I miss you.

Your funeral went off just as you would have wanted it to go. Your brother who has held a grudge towards us for more than thirty years came to your funeral today, mom. He refused to be pall bearer when I asked him, but he came to your funeral anyway. When I saw him standing in the doorway, I walked over and thanked him for coming. I asked him if I could get a hug and, guess what mom, he hugged me. I was so shocked I burst into tears immediately. As he hugged me he whispered in my ear “take care of yourself”. This made me cry even more and he hugged me even closer and whispered again “take care of yourself, ok?” As I moved away from him I pointed to Tami [my sister] and he hugged her as well.

Oh mom! Why did this not happen while you were alive? Why did you have to die first for this to happen?

After the funeral service, someone we have not seen for more than 14 years had the audacity to talk to me about how sick dad is and how she thinks he will not make it to the end of the year. Apparently he wanted to come to your funeral but he is too weak (or so she says). So why is this important? Why am I supposed to care? Where was he for the last 14 years or more of our lives? Where was she (supposedly your friend) for the last 14 years or more? Why is it that some people think they can just waltz into your life and tell you what you are supposed to do and how you are supposed to feel?

Without giving me time and the space grieve for my mother, I’m now supposed to feel guilty about my dad who is supposedly so sick? Really?

Someone from dad’s side of the family is now suddenly looking for my telephone number. Why now? Suddenly, after more than fourteen years people suddenly remember that I exist? Where have they been these last fourteen years (or more)? I’ve done well enough for myself without them up to now, why should I let them back into my life now – after all these years?

I’ve now suddenly become the “orphan Annie” to dad’s side of the family. Suddenly they remember that I exist and everybody wants a piece of me now. I’m now is such demand. Wow! I wonder why?

We’ve had so many good times these last few years we have been on our own mom. We saw Tami and Anton getting married. Zac and Zoë being born and growing up into the lovely children they are now – you always said you wanted to live long enough to see your grandchildren and you had that privilege, mom. What wonderful times we have shared as a family.

I’m going to miss our weekly trips to the coffee shops, trying out the various options, exhausting the menu in many instances before moving on to the next one. Birthdays and Christmas (and Easter) will not be the same without you.

I miss you!

Rest in peace dear mom.

You will live on in our hearts forever.

Tapestry

“Sometimes, we’d love to see the front of the tapestry of our life when the back looks so tangled – but we can trust that He is making a beautiful design with every string in every color.” – Deborah Wuehler, Senior Editor, The Old Schoolhouse Magazine.

This quote has made me think about my own life – currently so tangled but having to trust that the end result will be beautiful with a kaleidoscope of colour.

How will the different threads intertwine?

What will the final design look like?

How many different colours will there be?

From where I stand right now I cannot see the picture clearly. In fact, I don’t see the picture at all except for a haze of just trying to deal with what is being thrown my way daily.

For a planner and organiser it is very difficult to have a plan for the day, knowing that all sorts of twists and turns could creep in and throw the day completely off its axis. I had a day like that this week – where just one incident turned my whole day in a totally different direction.

Life never stays the same, its ever changing, a tapestry of so many experiences (of rich and royal hue). A tapestry of what we’d like to hold on to, but we can’t. We have to move on and adapt to our circumstances. Life goes on, with or without us. Whether we stay where we are or whether we move forward onto new experiences depends entirely on us. Loss and growth is a part of life.

A seed develops into a flower. The flower lives for a given period of time and then dies to make room for other (new) flowers.

A time to live . . . and a time to die . . .

This made me think of a song I heard many years ago which I still love to this day called “Tapestry” written and sung by Carole King. The words of the first verse being applicable to me right now . . .

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view
A wondrous, woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold

What does tomorrow hold for me, I wonder?

Tapestry”
“Tapestry” as written and sung by Carole King
Lyrics © EMI Music Publishing

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view
A wondrous, woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold

Once amid the soft silver sadness in the sky
There came a man of fortune, a drifter passing by
He wore a torn and tattered cloth around his leathered hide
And a coat of many colors, yellow-green on either side

He moved with some uncertainty, as if he didn’t know
Just what he was there for, or where he ought to go
Once he reached for something golden hanging from a tree
And his hand came down empty

Soon within my tapestry along the rutted road
He sat down on a river rock and turned into a toad
It seemed that he had fallen into someone’s wicked spell
And I wept to see him suffer, though I didn’t know him well

As I watched in sorrow, there suddenly appeared
A figure gray and ghostly beneath a flowing beard
In times of deepest darkness, I’ve seen him dressed in black
Now my tapestry’s unraveling – he’s come to take me back
He’s come to take me back

I am a house of four rooms . . .

There is an Indian belief that everyone is a house of four rooms – a physical, a mental, an emotional and a spiritual.

Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not complete.

It has been almost one year now that I have spent most of my time in my emotional room. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for eleven months now and some days it is more difficult to suppress the emotions wanting to come to the surface. Why the need to suppress these emotions, I hear you asking?

• Cannot cry at home because I don’t want mom to feel like she is causing me stress or feel that she is a burden to me (because she is not).
• Cannot cry at work because I don’t want to have to explain to everyone why I need to cry. Not everyone will understand which will make me want to cry even more.
• I usually shed a tear or two while driving home or on my way to work or on my way to the grocery store. This, however, has to be suppressed as quickly as possible because it usually happens in the last five minutes before I reach my destination and I don’t want to walk in with red swollen eyes.
• Cannot cry when I’m alone in bed at night because mom could call me at any time and . . . (see first bullet point)
• Cannot ask someone to stay with mom while I go off somewhere by myself to cry – just seems daft to do this and I will worry more about what’s going on at home in my absence i.e. if mom’s condition should deteriorate in my absence.

I need to cry, I need to have one good old crying session – just me and my box of tissues. Having some chocolate or ice cream in the same room is not a bad idea. They are my comfort foods. I love teddies too, so maybe a teddy to hug is not a bad idea either.

What else would I need to have in my room? My PJ’s and slippers. On the day that I have this crying session, I would not want to get dressed. I would want to walk around in my PJ’s and slippers all day. Needlesss to say I will not want any visitors coming around on this day. I would want the freedom to not need to open the door nor answer the telephone.

What will happen after I have had this crying session? Well, it will free me of all this pent up emotions I have been suppressing and will enable me to move on with my life. It will enable me to take better care of my physical, mental and spiritual rooms which have been sadly neglected these last few months.

I have not completely abandoned my physical room, I have been in and out of that room every week, but I have not given it as much attention as it deserves. My mental room is very closely linked to my emotional room so once I have my emotional room sorted out, my mental room will automatically sort itself out.

My spiritual room? Well, I’m afraid to say that this one has been sorely neglected for a while now (for various reasons, the current reason not being the major cause).

How about you? Which room of your house are you spending most of your time in?

Which room would you prefer to spend more time in?

When will you be moving to the next room?

I’m grateful for . . .

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind was howling, the rain pounding down like it would never stop.

Sitting in church on the night of 25 July 1993 (21 years ago), listening to a solo being sung when the doors suddenly opened. Wild gun fire, hand grenades going off all over the place . . . everyone fell to the ground between the pews.

A bullet made a “zing” sound as it bounced off the pew in front of me, over my back across the pew behind me.

My mom, next to me, beside herself screaming because my little baby sister was not sitting with us at the time, she was sitting further back in the church with her friend and her family (the mother was killed by a hand grenade, we discovered afterwards).

When people find out that we were actually in church that fateful night and survived, they often want us to repeat what happened. I’m grateful for the fact that we survived that fateful night.

Here’s a link to the video (summary) made by the church after the massacre for those who are interested . . .

Dear Diary: Finding peace through forgiveness . . .

“Recognise the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and honour wherever you fall in the process”

Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter Reverend Mpho Tutu have written a book called: The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and our World. I read about this book in the You Magazine (http://www.you.co.za) dated 15 May 2014 and thought I should share some of this with you.

In this book the authors speak of the fourfold path to forgiveness, i.e.
1) Telling your story to the person you have to forgive
2) Naming the hurt
3) Granting forgiveness
4) The renewal or release of a relationship

Forgiveness is not something we give to the other person. In reality, it is something we give ourselves – we get to cut the chains holding us to the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is not easy – to be angry, devastated and grief-stricken are all valid and appropriate responses – they are all part of the journey of forgiveness.

How do we start the journey of granting forgiveness or being forgiven?

The authors talk about The Revenge Cycle:
“Whenever we’re injured we face the choice of whether to retaliate or reconnect”, the authors write.”

The revenge cycle looks like this:
• Hurt, harm or loss
• Pain
• Choosing to harm
• Rejecting shared humanity
• Revenge, retaliation, payback
• Violence, cruelty
• Hurt, harm or loss

The forgiveness cycle follows a fourfold path.
In choosing to heal . . .
• We tell the story
• Name the hurt
• Grant forgiveness (recognising shared humanity)
• Renewing or releasing the relationship

The authors then give very useful and practical exercises to be completed. (I’ve heard of similar exercises like writing a letter to the person who hurt you and then to throw the letter into a fire or to burn the letter to release the feelings of hurt and to move on with your life). The exercises provided in the book are as follows:

THE STONE RITUAL:
Carrying the stone:
• You need a stone the size of the palm of your hand
• For one full morning (about six hours) hold the stone in your non-dominant hand i.e. if you are right-handed, you will need to carry the stone in your left hand and vice versa. Do not put the stone down for any reason during this six hour period.
• At the end of six hours, proceed to the journal exercise (the journal will only be read by you).

JOURNAL EXERCISE:
• What did you notice about carrying the stone?
• When did you notice it most?
• Did it prevent you from completing any other activities?
• Was the stone ever useful?
• In what ways was carrying the stone like carrying an un-forgiven hurt?
• Make a list of people you need to forgive in your life
• Make a list of all those you’d like to have forgiven you

THE CLOAK OF SAFETY (Mindfulness Exercise):
Forgiveness can sometimes feel like it’s too much work, when all you want to do is to be still and feel safe. Create a cloak of safety that will always be within reach.

• Start by sitting comfortably. You may prefer to close your eyes lightly.
• Pay attention to your breathing. Don’t direct it – follow it. (Think about how your chest moves up when you breathe in and down when you breathe out).
• When you have settled into the rhythm of your breathing, allow yourself to feel the cloak of safety surrounding you like fabric.
• What is the texture of this cloak? Does it have a colour? Does it have a fragrance?
• Settle into this cloak. Does it feel warm or cool?
• Describe this cloak in your imagination as fully as you are able to. Pull the cloak around you and settle into feeling safe.
• When you need this cloak, know it is there and you can just reach for it.

THE BOX OF SORROWS:
You may want to surround yourself with the cloak of safety you created.
• Create a safe space. Think about a place of safety. It could be real or imaginary. See this place fully and inhabit it. Relax into this place.
• Someone is calling for you. The one who is calling for you speaks in a voice filled with warmth, love and delight. When you’re ready, welcome this person into your safe space. Who is your companion? Is it a loved one, a friend or a spiritual figure?
• Between you and your companion sits an open box. Tell your companion the story of the hurt you carry. Tell the truth about how you have been wounded, disdained, disrespected, shamed or disregarded in as much detail as you can remember. As you speak, see the hurt and the words pouring out of you like a stream. Watch the stream being poured into the box. When you’ve said all there is to say, close the box of sorrows.
• Take the box into your lap. When you are ready, hand the box to your trusted companion. Know that the box is in safe hands. You don’t need to carry those sorrows any longer.
• When you are ready, you may leave your place of safety. Know that your trusted companion will take your box of sorrows from the place but will return it should you have a need for it.

HOW TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE HARM DONE:
If a friend comes to you asking you to help them with their process of forgiving you should do the following:
• Listen
• Do not try to fix the pain
• Do not minimise the loss
• Do not offer any advice
• Do not respond with your own loss or grief (don’t tell your own story)
• Keep confidentiality
• Offer your love and caring
• Empathise and offer comfort

JOURNAL EXERCISE:
Forgiveness is a process of letting go:
• Think of the things you must give up or let go in order to forgive. The list might include things such as the right to revenge or the expectation of an apology. It might even include having to give up an expectation that the person who hurt you will understand the pain they have caused.
• As you make your list, pause with each item and offer thanks for the ability to let go of what you don’t need in order to forgive.

NAMING THE HURT:
• Identify the feelings within the facts. Remember, no feelings are wrong, bad or invalid.
• Recognise the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and wherever you fall in the process.
• Find someone who will acknowledge you and listen to your feelings without trying to fix them.
• Accept your own vulnerability.
• Move forward when you are ready.

GRANTING FORGIVENESS:
• Forgiveness is a choice
• We grow through forgiving
• Forgiving is how we move from victim to hero in our story
• We know we are healing when we are able to tell a new story

RENEWING OR RELEASING THE RELATIONSHIP:
This is a stone ritual in which you decide whether you should release the stone and all it symbolises or turn it into something else.
• Decide whether you will turn your stone into a new thing of beauty or release it back into nature.
• If you have chosen to renew the stone, decide how you will paint it or decorate it. You may also choose to turn it into something useful in your home or garden.
• If you have chosen to release your stone, you may take it back to the place where you found it and put it down or you may take it to a new place that is meaningful to you.
• Nothing is wasted. Everything, even a stone, has its purpose.

JOURNAL EXERCISE:
• Was it possible to make something beautiful from what you had?
• How difficult was it to do so?
• What did you learn about the renewing and releasing [of a relationship] as you completed this exercise?

WHAT TO DO IF YOU NEED TO BE FORGIVEN:
• Get the support you need.
• Admit the wrong (although the path to making it right may or may not include telling your story to the person you have injured. Revealing an unknown betrayal may cause a deeper injury to the victim than that person’s ignorance or your deed. If this is the case, tell your story to a trusted counsellor).
• Witness the anguish and apologise.
• Ask for forgiveness.
• Make amends or whatever restitution or reparation is called for or needed.
• Honour your victim’s choice to renew or release the relationship.

STONE RITUAL: SETTING DOWN THE STONE:
• You will need a heavy stone. You want to feel its weight as burdensome.
• Walk with this stone some distance to a private place.
• Admit to the stone what you’ve done.
• Then tell the stone the anguish you have caused.
• Apologise to the stone and ask for forgiveness. You may imagine the person you have harmed in your mind’s eye or ask God for forgiveness.
• Decide what you can do to make amends to the person you harmed or how you can help others.
• Then set the stone down in nature.

Wow, this sure is powerful stuff. There is so much food for thought here. The exercises are simple yet practical. Just reading all of this makes me want to go out to buy the book, don’t you?

The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and the World by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu (Harper Collins) is available through http://www.kalahari.com

PEACE
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
– Unknown

Dear Diary: How can I do more of what matters?

As I grow older, I am searching daily to do more things that really matter. I want to do things that I can be remembered for. I want to leave some sort of legacy that will signal to the world that I have been here. I have lived. I mattered to someone out there. I want to leave this earth one day knowing that I’ve made a difference.

How does one do that, I’m asking myself? How do I leave footsteps that others will want to follow one day?

When I find the answers, I will share them with you. In the meantime, let me share the following information I have come across in my search for leaving that lasting legacy.

I have found there are three “C’s” for finding sanity:

CLARITY: What is my life about? (focus on this) then keep moving to what matters more
• What matters most exists in the more distant future. Live in the moment with an eye on the future.
• Vision always centres on people, not projects, products or programmes.
• Clarity requires simplicity. Describe your hopes and dreams in once coherent actionable sentence.

COURAGE: Have the courage to say no to the “good stuff” to pursue “great stuff”. Courage requires clarity. Saying “no”, so you can say “yes” to something better, is a process.

CONSISTENCY: Consistently focus on what matters. It’s not always about doing less. It’s about doing more of what matters.

Living by priorities begins with determining:-
• VALUES – what matters to you?
• STRENGTHS – What activities give you energy?
• VISION – Where do you want to apply your strengths to achieve fulfilling results?

Getting a grip on time is contained in three words:

ELIMINATE: Stop unnecessary or low priority tasks

DELEGATE: Give tasks to others

ACCELERATE: Become more efficient

What activities give you energy?

Strengths Finder Assessment Test:
http://freestrengthstest.workuno.com/free-strengths-test.html

Dear Diary: Grounded in the Present

“Digest your experiences as you go”
When you are grounded in the present – feeling your feelings, listening to your body, tasting your food and expressing your ideas – you do not build up toxicity. You digest your experience as you go. – Debbie Ford

I recently came across a Facebook post on my timeline from a Facebook group called Eagle Coaching which asked the following questions:-

How well are you staying grounded in and to the PRESENT moments in your life? – what are you:
• Thinking
• Feeling
• Sensing
• Listening (to)
• Expressing

What steps do you need to take RIGHT NOW to shift your awareness into the present, and stay more attuned to or grounded in the present (not “captive to the past” or chasing after the future)?

Since reading this post, I’ve been trying to zoom in on the PRESENT moments in my life to see how I’m staying grounded in the present moment and I must say, I’ve had great difficulty in doing this.

As a result of my present circumstances with my mom, knowing her life could come to a sudden and abrupt end but not knowing exactly when this would happen has “knocked me for a six” as they would say. My PRESENT currently consists of taking care of mom’s immediate physical needs, taking care of the running of the household (cooking, cleaning etc) and then trying to hold myself together emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Since mom’s diagnosis, I’ve not had much time (anytime for that matter) to actually sit down and really, seriously think about the thoughts running through my mind and the feelings attached to those thoughts. Occasionally, while I’m driving to work or from work (sometimes on my way to the shops to buy some perishable grocery items), I will have moments when I will allow myself to think about my current situation and the feelings attached would bring tears to my eyes. By the time the tears start flowing, I’m usually at the entrance to the shop so I quickly have to put the tears back where they came from, push all the thoughts into the recesses of my mind, put on a brave face and smile. By the time I’ve arrived home, I’m so busy focussing on getting supper started, served, kitchen cleaned and then attempt to focus on my studies and meet deadlines for assignments. This is what my PRESENT is about right now – no time to dwell on the past nor time to wonder about what the future holds.

Sometimes I get the SENSE that I’m losing myself somewhere along the way. Maybe not losing myself as much as “hiding my true self”. I’m SENSING that I’m becoming like a little pressure cooker just waiting to explode if that little valve is not released soon. I do, however, feel that delaying the release of that valve might be the best thing for me because I really don’t think I will be able to let it all out 100 percent until everything is over. I am SENSING that waiting until mom has gone from me physically and I can truly just cry – cry for when mom was diagnosed, cry for when we were given the news that the chemo was stopped because it was not working and told that there was nothing more the doctors could do for her. Cry for the loss of my dear mother, who bore me for 9 months, spent endless days and nights at hospital with me while doctors tried their best to correct my physical disability (other surgical procedures in-between). I need to cry for my mother who so bravely stuck it out in an abusive marriage for 38 years for the sake of her children, who finally found the courage to say “enough” and leave. Although the divorce tore our family apart, it brought mom and me closer together, we could finally be friends, taking comfort in each other and supporting each other.

I’m SENSING that I need to cry for this dear mother, for my loss and heaven’s gain but, now is just not the right time to do this. There will be time to do this and I will do this, when the right time comes.

What am I LISTENING to? Right now, I’m LISTENING to my heart which tells me that there is a time and a place for everything – everything in its own time. The rivers of tears building up inside of me right now, will come when the time is right. The time is not now.

What am I EXPRESSING? I’m expressing to you how I’m feeling right now. Can you understand what I’m saying? Am I making sense or is this just a garbled mess of words to you? Can you feel my pain? Have you been here yourself? Do you have some sort of an idea what I’m talking about?

One day when mom has passed on and I have time to reflect on my life, I will look at the questions at the beginning of this post again and try to answer them and see how my answers differ.

Are you grounded in the present? Are you digesting your experiences as you go?

Are you captive to your past?

Are you chasing after your future?

Are you grounded in the present?

Dear Diary: Passion, Commitment and Engagement in the Workplace

My post this week was inspired by this introduction to The Florence Prescription by Joe Tye. This book was meant to answer the question “What would Florence [Nightingale] do?”

You can find a copy of the first three chapters here: http://sparkstore.com/FlorencePrescription-FirstThreeChapters.pdf

It all started recently when I was so frustrated by the health crisis we have currently where I live. I was battling with getting private health care to work together with provincial health care and I kept hitting a brick wall purely because of people’s attitudes towards their work. I’m finding more and more that people have lost their passion and commitment to their work and are mostly not personally engaged with their work. When confronted with a work related problem, instead of finding a solution, they look for ways to “pass the buck” and when there is nowhere to “pass the buck”, they send you on a wild goose chase from pillar to post like you’re a tennis ball in a tennis match with nobody taking responsibility for giving you the answers you need.

This resulted in me tweeting on Twitter: “Private health care vs provincial health care. A headache trying to get them to work together. Why?”

Joe Tye – author of The Florence Prescription responded to my tweet by suggesting I read his book and very kindly sent me the link to the first three chapters of the book. Just by clicking on the link (which I have provided in the first paragraph) I found this about why people are no longer passionate, committed and engaged in their workplaces and it shed some light on why I’ve also disengaged at my own workplace. Let me share with you what I’ve learned from this book:-

Organisations need to have a culture of ownership, one that instills optimism, determination and resilience in the people who work there. This is not present at my current workplace and in many other workplaces I know of.

• People are loyal to [organisational] culture not strategy
• Culture provides resilience in tough times
• Culture is more efficient than strategy
• When culture and strategy collide, culture will always win
• Cultural miscues are far more damaging and potentially fatal than strategic miscues
• Culture provides greater protection against legal and ethical violations than strategy can
• Over time, culture has greater impact on productivity and profitability than strategy

The Florence Prescription describes eight [personal] characteristics of a culture of ownership:

• Commitment (to values, vision and mission of the company/organisation and own personal values)
• Engagement (being fully present, physically and emotionally)
• Passion (loving your work and letting it show)
• Initiative (seeing what needs to be done and taking action to get it done)
• Stewardship (effectively shepherding limited resources)
• Belonging (being included, feeling included and including others)
• Fellowship (being a friend and having friends at work)
• Pride (in your profession, your work and yourself)

Your core values define:
Who you are
What you stand for, and
What you won’t stand for

Organisational culture does not change until people in the organisation change. The book also talks about the Self-Empowerment Pledge (seven promises):-

• Responsibility
• Accountability
• Determination
• Contribution
• Resilience
• Perspective
• Faith

The book also talks about The Pickle Pledge: I will turn every complaint into a blessing or a constructive suggestion i.e.

By taking The Pickle Pledge, I am promising myself that I will no longer waste my time and energy on blaming, complaining and gossiping nor will I commiserate with those who steal my energy with their blaming, complaining and gossiping.

The Pickle Pledge acknowledges that we cannot be a negative, bitter, cynical, sarcastic pickle sucker at our workstations and then suddenly, magically flip an inner switch and become genuinely caring and compassionate towards our colleagues and customers/clients when required to “perform”. The Pickle challenge holds us and our co-workers more accountable for the attitudes we bring to work.

According to this book, people who are committed, engaged and passionate take initiative i.e. if they see a problem, they either fix it or refer it to someone who can fix it.

Just by reading through these notes I have made as I read through the first three chapters, I have seen many reasons for me no longer engaging at work and I can see why so many others in various workplaces I have to contact also have dis-engaged.

Organisational culture has gone out of the window for many. Company/organisation values, vision and mission statements are so strategic that the employees find it difficult to engage and buy-in (commit) to these statements.

This makes it very difficult to have passion for the work you do and to show this passion. Employees no longer feel a sense of belonging (being included, feeling included), they no longer take pride in their profession, their work and in themselves.

Where have we gone wrong?

What can we do to change the status quo?

Dear Diary: The Ultimate Gift . . .

I recently had the opportunity to watch the movie “The Ultimate Gift” again. The movie centres around answering the question “What is the relationship between wealth and happiness?” The question is answered through twelve tasks called “gifts”, each challenging the main character in an improbable way, in the end, changing him (as a person) forever. By completing the tasks set out for him, the main character changes his perspective on life and money, improving and becoming a better man and receiving the ultimate gift.

The twelve “gifts” were as follows:
• Work
• Money
• Friends
• Learning
• Problems
• Family
• Laughter
• Dreams
• Giving
• Gratitude
• A Day
• Love

This got me thinking about my own life.

• How many of these gifts have I had in my life and what have I done with the gifts?
• Have I used my gifts wisely?
• Which of the gifts do I still need to work on?
• How do these gifts (used or unused) affect my future?

The gift of Work – I have been blessed to be permanently employed for most of my life. On the few occasions I was without paid employment, I was able to either volunteer my services or be employed on a casual basis so I’ve not really known what it feels like to sit at home for months or years without employment. This is a blessing for sure.

The gift of Money – Because I have been employed for most of my working life I have never really been without money. Yes, I’m always short of money and always looking for ways to earn more, but I’ve truly been blessed by always being able to pay my way and never have any outstanding debts.

The gift of Friends – I’ve been a loner for most of my life so I don’t have a big circle of friends. I have many acquaintances and many people know me but I only really have a handful of true friends who have stood by me through dark and sunny days. I feel more blessed having a handful of good friends than to have a huge network who don’t really care.

The gift of Learning – I hated going to school but always had an insatiable need for learning. As an only child (until the age of 14) and with very few friends, I used every opportunity I had to learn by observing people wherever I went. This insatiable need to learn turned me into a very observant person. Even now, as an adult, I notice the little things that others don’t see. I’ve learnt more from the university of life than I ever learnt in school.

The gift of Problems – As an only child in a family where both parents worked full time, I had to learn to solve my own problems from a very early age. I’ve grown into an adult with great problem solving skills as a result of this and am a problem solver and “fixer” for many.

The gift of Family – On my dad’s side, I come from a huge family, my mother’s side being about half the size of my dad’s family. A very dysfunctional family (more dysfunctional on my dad’s side than my mom’s side) but a reasonably happy one. To the outside world, I have the “perfect” family, in reality, this is debatable. My dad was abusive and mom finally divorced him after 38 years of marriage. I have had absolutely no contact with my dad for the last 14 years, but that is fine. My father was physically present in our home but never emotionally or psychologically present, so I’m fine with him not being around now. I’ve coped on my own for most of my life so there is no reason to miss him now.

The gift of Laughter – I have been blessed with a mom who has an awesome sense of humour (thanks to her mother who had one too). When we were home alone (my dad worked shifts), we laughed all the time. My mom would see funny shaped clouds in the sky, always saw the bright side of anything no matter how dark the situation was. We did not laugh much when my dad was home. He ruled with an iron fist and whenever he saw mom or me laughing or having fun, he would do something to ruin the mood – would not be happy until one of us ended up crying so there was never much laughter in our house when he was around. With mom working full time, I also did not spend much time alone with her either but fortunately spent my school holidays at my grandparents house (mom’s parents) so I could laugh as much as I wanted, which was pretty much all the time.

The gift of Dreams – yes, I have had many dreams in my lifetime. I dreamed of becoming a medical doctor because my passion has always been to help people. This dream was destroyed at the age of 6 when my dad asked me “what do you want to be when you grow up?”. I very proudly announced “a doctor” and he destroyed that dream immediately by letting me know that it was a “thankless job” and anyway, with “your disability” you would never be able to be on your feet for 12 hours straight. Next, I wanted to be a pilot but again, my dad very promptly informed me that because of my disability, I would not be able to get in and out of the cockpit – there went that dream too. Other dreams came and went throughout my lifetime. My passion and desire to help people and to make a difference has never waned, and a few years ago I realised that I had a passion for the field of Psychology. I completed my High School education via correspondence school and signed up for University (via correspondence) so I could continue working full time to pay for my studies. By the time I entered my third year of Psychology, my direction changed and although still very keen on Psychology, I decided to pursue the field of Forensic Psychology (Criminology) instead. This is the dream I am currently pursuing.

The gift of Giving – my generosity knows no bounds. I am always looking for ways to give (firstly and primarily) within my family circle and then to extended family and friends. I try to make each birthday and Christmas extra special. I try to always find ways of making the celebration something “different”. When a special occasion approaches, I always ask myself, “what can I do to make this different/special?”

The gift of Gratitude – I have so much to be grateful for. My life, my family, overcoming challenges in spite of my physical disability (like being separated from my parents at an early age to be hospitalised) and the challenges related to the recovery after all the surgery I’ve had over the years. Grateful for overcoming some very trying times in my life – the death of my grandmother whom I loved dearly when I was 11 years of age, the death of my first sister when I was 13 years of age. Grateful for my sister who was born when I was 14 years of age. Grateful for surviving the Massacre at our church in 1992 and the trauma associated with this event. I’m grateful for surviving the time when I found myself unemployed at the same time when my sister wanted to get married and needed me to pay for the wedding, my car died and my mother deciding to divorce my father meant that I was required to take over the role as breadwinner i.e. I needed to find us a house to live (because the family home had to be sold because my parents were married in Community of Property). A day before my 50th birthday recently, we were told that my mom’s cancer is now stage 4 and there is nothing more they can do for her. It’s a very aggressive kind of cancer so when the deterioration starts, it will go quickly. I survived all this, and I am extremely grateful.

The gift of A Day – what would be the perfect day for me? I don’t know. I’ve not had much time to think about this. I’ve been too busy getting on with life that I’ve not had time to think about this question. For now, spending precious, quality time with my immediate family is enough for me. Maybe sometime in the future, I will re-look at this question.

The gift of LOVE (the ultimate gift) – I have been surrounded by love my whole life. My dad, in spite of not being a very affectionate person and not being emotionally present in our lives, had a warped sense of what love is and never knew how to show love. For him, love was about buying material things. He always made sure we had everything we needed (materially) – that was his way of showing love. My mom never knew how to show love either – was never a very affectionate person so it was rather difficult to feel the warm and fuzzy kind of love in our home, but I always knew I was loved. My grandparents (mom’s parents) always showered me with love and so did mom’s family. Dad’s family were never warm and affectionate, but I always knew I was loved. Yes, I have been surrounded by love my whole life.

So, how many of these gifts have I had in my life and what have I done with the gifts? Have I used my gifts wisely? Which of the gifts do I still need to work on and how will these gifts (used or unused) impact on my future?

I will end with a few quotes from the movie . . .
• You don’t begin to live until you’ve lost everything
• Every happening great or small is a parable by which God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message
• Our lives should be lived not avoiding problems but welcoming them as challenges that will strengthen us so that we will be victorious in the future
• Do you know God paints every colour on a butterfly with His finger?
• Any process worth going through will get tougher before it gets easier. That’s what makes learning a gift, even if pain is your teacher
• Neither hate nor love thy life, but what thou lives, live well however long or short may the heavens permit
• My dream was a perfect day, and I’m just finishing it. My dream is to be with people I love, that love each other, that love me.
http://www.moviequotes.com/repository.cgi?pg=3&tt=305924

Don’t forget: You can also follow me at: http://www.womendemanddignity.wordpress.com

Dear Diary: Far from the maddening crowd . . .

Three weeks ago I said goodbye to my 40s and hello to my 50s. Physically, nothing has changed. Psychologically, I think there has been a shift.

Photo by: Tami Magnin @rumtumtiggs

The day before the big “50”, we were given the news that my mom’s chemo treatment was being stopped immediately because it was not working and that her Cancer is now at stage four. How is one supposed to deal with this kind of news the day before you enter the next decade of your life?

My defence/coping mechanism was to switch off emotionally, to be my practical, realistic self in just getting on with the job of coping with daily life. I had more than enough to keep me in this “switched off” mode. Coming home from a day at the office, it was straight off to the kitchen to get the evening meal prepared, dishes to wash etc. For escaping from reality – there was social media. In between all this, I had to make some attempt at opening my books (assignments due in March – a few weeks away), but what about the rest of my life? Where do I want to be in five or ten years from now?

I’ve decided that I’ve had enough of the corporate world. I have been in formal employment since the age of eighteen years. I cannot see myself in formal employment for another ten years (until I reach the age of sixty years), so I’ve decided to spend the next five years working hard to prepare for an early retirement from formal employment.

Would I stop going out to an office job entirely? Not necessarily, but I would like to have the freedom to choose to work three or four days per week rather than a full five day week. I would like the freedom to be able to take a “creative sabbatical” to do whatever makes me happy. So, what would I do all day, I hear you asking.

I recently read an article – see: http://www.women24.com/ChatAndWin/Columnists/Why-Im-a-housewife-20140127 which helped me shape this part of my story. I used some of what was said and tried to give it my own “spin”, here goes . . .

In pursuit of the creative dream (goodbye tension, hello pension), the top ten misconceptions of a stay-at-home person is as follows:

1) You don’t work
This really depends on your definition of “work”. If you are referring to formal employment where you go out to an office to do work which you are paid for, then yes, I won’t work, however, doing what I have chosen to do can still be classified as work. When I sit at my desk and switch on my PC or laptop, I am working. When I make a card or little gift for someone, I am working . . .

2) What will you do all day? I would be bored if I had to stay at home all day
Firstly, given the fact that I would not have to check in at a particular time because I am being paid by the hour, I would now ease into my mornings (seeing as I am not a morning person anyway). I would therefore start my day at whatever time I choose to do so.

What I choose to do once I have started my day can vary from baking a cake for a friend, making a card/gift for a friend’s special event/occasion, I could go back to playing the piano/organ/keyboard which is something I neglected while being in full time employment, I could attempt to get through the mountain of books I’ve not had time to read while I was in fulltime employment, I could catch up with long lost friends or relatives I’ve neglected while in fulltime employment – the list is endless. There is too much to do to have time to be “bored”.

3) But you don’t “work”
Refer to point number one (1) please.

4) You are lost – no direction in your life!
What makes you think I would be lost? The path I’m on right now could be and probably is part of my journey called life. Just because I’m not following the path you created in your mind for me, does not mean that I am lost and that I have no direction. This is the right path for me to be on right now. This is what makes me happy.

5) You probably spend all day in bed or at the beach, reading books or getting spa treatments
How I wish this would be the case. You have no idea how quickly time goes when you just have so much to fit into one day. Certain things can only be done during daylight hours which means that by the time those things are done, you are sometimes left with the same amount of time you would have had if you were in fulltime employment.

6) It must be so nice being at home. You can surf the internet, drink tea/coffee, watch TV all day long etc
Surprisingly, NO! There is so much I could have, would have liked to have done while I was in fulltime employment, that I certainly don’t have time to waste surfing the internet, sitting and drinking tea/coffee and watching TV all day. That is BORING and would drive me mad. Keeping busy is the best thing. If I did surf the internet, it would be for information which would be beneficial for me to use in a project I’ve planned or to share with someone who needs that information.

7) You are on Facebook 24/7! Clearly you have so much time on your hands
– Facebook is my “escape” from reality and I am a sharer. I like sharing information which could be useful to others. I like learning from others and one can learn so much from Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites.
– I do Facebook, Twitter and other social media while I’m having lunch or after supper while watching TV. Its called multi-tasking.
– Facebook is also a less intrusive way of finding out what’s happening in the lives of my friends and family. It could enable me to offer my help or assistance where it might be needed.

8) You don’t wake up to go to work, your life is a breeze
– I would not wake up to go to “work” but wake up to “work on my life” – to do the things I enjoy.
– I would not say my life would be a breeze. Time management when you’re at home all day is just as much of a challenge as when you are formally employed on a fulltime basis.

9) Aren’t you worried you will turn into one of “those” women?
– Who exactly are “those women” and who are you to judge? Who are you to define them? Are these maybe the princesses, the kept women or the desperate housewives?
– So what if I have chosen to become one of “those” women? Maybe that’s exactly what need to be right now?

10) Well, you don’t have a job, and you don’t have a husband and children. So what are you doing with your life?
– The freedom of “unemployment” is that you have the time to do whatever you choose ie. Spend quality time with a loved one or friend, help a friend to shop for the perfect outfit for an exciting event in her life, take a long scenic drive to see a part of the city you’ve never seen before, do volunteer work or attend an NGO meeting, have coffee with someone who needs a listening ear or shoulder to cry on.

You see, I can be happy and fulfilled in my life knowing that the “cost” of living now and in the future has been taken care of by my exceptional planning skills.