Walk a mile in my shoes . . .

 

 

For most of this week it has been bugging me to write something about the life of a person with a disability. The part of this that has bugged me the most is how some people with a disability struggle to find a life partner to settle down with.

 

Using myself as an example: sitting at a table in a restaurant or behind the wheel of my car, I have often had many men flirt with me but the minute I get up from the table or get out of my car, they look the other way.

 

I’ve had many flirts via text message going as far as an expression to meet up but the minute I reveal that the venue needs to be accessible (I can’t climb stairs for example), they never contact me again.

 

Yes, there are many people with disabilities who do find love with able-bodied (people who don’t have a disability) but I think there is an equal amount like me, who simply just don’t find that lifelong partner.

 

 

While all this was going through my mind and I was wondering exactly how I was going to put this post together, I came across this video which sums up a lot of what I was going to say about persons with disabilities.

 

We are people too. We also have hopes and dreams. We also want to get married, have children and live in a house with a white picket fence. We don’t want your pity, we don’t want you to do everything for us. We want the opportunity to live independently and contribute to society just like everyone else. So why not give us an opportunity to do just that?

 

Have a look at this video here – it says it a lot better than I can: 

 

 

 

 

 

Who will cry for the Disabled?

Another International Day for People with Disabilities has come and gone (3 December 2017). The President and relevant Ministers and Deputy Ministers did their duty to preach equal rights for people with disabilities and how people with disabilities should be integrated into society blah, blah.

 

An organisation fighting for the rights of people with disabilities arranged an event where people with disabilities could travel from our very modern, recently renovated main railway station by train to a predetermined destination and back to prove that rail travel is accessible for people with disabilities.

 

The event was advertised via social media, invites were sent to journalists to join the event and let the world know how people with disabilities are now able to travel via train. No response. Not even one journalist was interested in providing media coverage for the event. Not even a “thank you for the invitation but I will not be able to make it”. Dead silence from the media.

The day arrived. A group of people with various forms of disability gathered at the agreed meeting point on the main station. A portable ramp was rolled out to enable those in wheelchairs to be wheeled onto the train. Will this ramp be rolled out every time a train arrives or departs during peak hour when people need to get to work or come home from work? I doubt that, but we claim our rail system is ready to accommodate people with disabilities.

 

The train arrives at it’s destination where one person (with a physical disability who is unable to climb stairs/steps) is waiting to meet this train because all her friends are on this train. She eagerly and excitedly awaits this train after forcing herself to climb three steps at the entrance of the train station to get to her friends. From the entrance of the station she gets to what she thinks is the correct platform for the train to arrive. She waits.

Finally the train arrives, but her excitement quickly turns to disappointment when she is told “you are on platform 1 and the train you are waiting for is on platform 3”.

 

 

Determined not to have her spirit crushed, she eagerly asks “so how do I get to platform 3?” and is told “via the subway” and is pointed in the right direction. Knowing that going through subways usually involves stairs she asks “so how does a person with a disability get to the other side?”  She is told “sorry ma’am, that’s the only way”. This now means that anybody on that train or who needs to get to that train in a wheelchair, cannot get there. There was no alternative plan. What would have happened if people needed to be evacuated from the station in an emergency?

Still, we are assured that our rail service is accessible to ALL people with disabilities.

This is a true story . . . I was there on 3 December 2017.

I am capable . . .

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
– Wayne W. Dyer

When I started this post, my title was 10 things you need to know about disability, however, once I got started I could not stop and had to add some additional points along the way. I am therefore not going to number the points.

How do you view disabled people – the ones who are physically disabled where the disability is obvious as well as those with hidden disabilities, like those who are Deaf? Do you see them as people with diagnosed conditions which present obstacles that need to be overcome, when, in fact, people are disabled by the lack of accessibility of our environments and through ignorance of able-bodied people?

Disability is not an illness/sickness:
Asking questions like “how’s your health now?” implies that the disabled person is ill. Even if the disability is temporary, it’s still not an illness. The disabled person can be perfectly healthy in all other aspects but be disabled.

Disabled people are not wheelchair bound:
How often have you read a newspaper or magazine article about wheelchair-bound people? Being wheelchair bound implies that the person never leaves the wheelchair, that they have their bums glued to the chair, never to get out of it ever again.

People use wheelchairs as a means to get from point A to point B. Just like someone using crutches or other walking aid uses it to get from point A to point B. People who use wheelchairs don’t shower/bath in them, they don’t sleep in the wheelchair. They sit on a chair or couch just like any able-bodied person would, they sleep in a bed just like everyone else.

I don’t consider myself to have a disability:
• Being disabled from birth, I don’t know any other way of life. Becoming disabled later in life was not by choice, so I have no other option but to adapt.
• Having a disability is different to “being disabled”
• I am not my disability – I am just a person so don’t describe me as “that beautiful girl/woman in a wheelchair”. It’s the same as saying “that fat girl/woman over there” in other words, the words we use discriminate.
• Disabled people are not seen as being equal to those without disabilities, which is a difficult thing to know especially because we have done nothing wrong.

Its not about being more or less able, it’s just about differences:
• Society (generally) talks and thinks about disability as “us” and “them” when, in fact, everybody has a disability – some more visible than others.
• There are physical, academic, social and creative disabilities. We are all just differently-abled.

People actively discriminate against disability:
Discrimination comes as a result of ignorance. We can raise awareness as much as we like but it won’t necessarily change things.

Some simple things are difficult for me, but that does not mean I’m not talented or capable:
• I am extremely talented and creative but things of a physical nature (like walking long distances and climbing stairs) are difficult for me.
• The things I find difficult to do make me compare myself to others more than I should.
• A lot of the prejudice is the result of not being aware of the needs of others because of being too self-centred.

Disability is massively misunderstood:
• Disabled people are a rich and diverse scope of human expression.
• Working with disabled people is one of the most creative environments where all people share a common goal; to learn, to be and to have positive experiences with others. Connecting with others, no matter what the differences are.

I keep my disability a secret:
• Having a physical disability makes me vulnerable to falling easily and leaves me vulnerable to criminals who see me as a soft target. As a result, I stay home more than I should because the environment outside my house is not safe (roads/pathways are uneven or not accessible for whatever reason, buildings are mostly not accessible – doors which are not automated, steps/stairs outside and inside the building etc)
• Many people don’t respect (or give a thought) to what disabled people go through daily. It doesn’t matter what the differences are, it’s about being treated equally and with respect.

Don’t be afraid to ask somebody if they have a disability, but do it respectfully and without judging:
Physical disabilities are obvious, but the physically disabled can read, speak, some can walk limited distances using crutches or other walking aids, capable of being gainfully employed if given the chance, and free to use their brains creatively and constructively.

Things are slowly improving:
• Since the Paralympics in 2012, disability has been portrayed in the media in a more positive way.
• There is still no equality because the environment has not changed to being a fully integrated one. I’ve been in hotels where they have ramp access outside, a room which is accessible for wheelchairs but the television is mounted on a wall bracket high up on the wall so if there is a problem with the remote control unit, you cannot operate the television manually – you have to wait for assistance. The other obstacle I’ve encountered is when I ask for a room with a shower, I’m given a shower where I have to climb into the bath in order to shower – why would I specifically ask for a room with an accessible shower if I could climb into the bath?
• Awareness is better, but education about disability and people with disabilities should become more prominent and the media can and should play an important role in this.
• Everybody does things differently – everyone is unique. Let’s embrace this idea.
• Everyone is disabled in some way, in the same way that everyone is able.

People think my brain is not good enough, but I am more than capable.
There are certain jobs I will not get because people think I cannot do it, but I can and I am very capable. With a few minor adjustments to my working environment, I can do the job.

Living with a disability is unfair:
• My disability makes me feel a lot of emotions that people don’t think about. I am scared, I feel judged, I get nervous and anxious and I think too much.
• I wish I could do simple things like go for a walk (or a stroll in my wheelchair) around my neighbourhood, but always feel like people are staring at me because I’m different. There’s also the criminal elements to worry about being vulnerable and a “soft target” for those who want to take advantage of me.
• I wish I could be seen as equal.

Disabled people are not brave:
• Disabled people are not brave because they are disabled.
• Being disabled from birth is the only life we know. If we became disabled later in life, we had no choice but to adapt. We were forced by our circumstances to adapt.

Inspiration porn disables the disabled:
Using disabled people like a “prop” to motivate able-bodied people is equivalent to objectifying people with disabilities. It creates the wrong kind of hero.

Some examples of inspiration porn:
• Shames the viewer by showing a disabled person overcoming basic obstacles, implying that anyone less disabled has no excuse.
• Focus on individuals helping people with disabilities, suggesting that others should help too, centering attention on the helper and not the person being helped. A good example here is “raising funds for the disabled”. The fundraiser is seen as a “saint” or “hero” because they are helping the “less fortunate”.
• Taking a disabled person as a companion to a function (Matric Ball or any other social function) just to make them feel “normal” or “included” – using them as a “prop” to make you look and feel good. Again, focussing on the “kind person” making him/her the hero.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping a person with a disability if they have asked for help, but it’s the way the story is told that hides the real issues faced by the community of disabled people. When assisting a disabled person, do you
• Ask permission to help before objectifying the person to your need for an ego boost?
• Do you consider the fact that people with disabilities have the right to expect privacy? Carrying someone up a flight of stairs might boost your ego and make you look like a hero/compassionate person but have you thought about how undignified the disabled might feel?

Inspiration porn highlights the need for more awareness around the social model of disability
Click here

Photo by: Tami Magnin @rumtumtiggs

Society (in general) still sees disability through the eyes of the medical model, i.e. diagnosed conditions present obstacles that need to be overcome, when, in fact, people are disabled by the lack of accessibility in the environment around us.

• Stigma makes it difficult for people with disabilities to have close friends. The stigma disables.
• The perception of disabled bodies as non-sexy is disabling, not the bodies themselves.
• The person in the wheelchair is not disabled by the wheelchair but by the buildings that don’t have automated doors and wheelchair ramps instead of steps/stairs and a society that does not provide sufficient community-supported assistance.

Disabled people need to be more than token employees and social companions and objects of pity. We need more than policies that look good on paper with no real implementation or monitoring of the implementation to change the current norms.

We need to have REAL CONVERSATIONS about KEY ISSUES.

THE POSITIVE SIDE TO BEING DISABLED:
• I would not be the person I am today (humble and filled with compassion) if I did not face the challenges I have in my lifetime.
• I had a mother who believed I could do anything if I just tied hard enough and she spent her entire life devoted to helping me take that step out of my comfort zone, trying to delete the words “I can’t” from my brain.

Some of this material has been taken from:
Inspiration porn further disables the disabled: Click here

Conversations with Myself: When will we ever Learn?

Why is it so difficult for landlords and business owners/managers to make their premises accessible to those with mobility problems?

Renovations (reasonable accommodation measures) as legislated by law are implemented reluctantly and in a manner that leaves the mobility impaired feel that they are a huge burden to the establishment owners or managers.

Hotels in South Africa are particularly at fault. For example: out of more than 100 rooms or suites, they will have only one (or maybe two if you are lucky) rooms/suites specifically for disabled people. What happens if more than one or two disabled people arrive at the same time (like with workshops and conferences)?

The shuttle services provided by hotels from airport to hotel – why do they only have 12/15 seater Kombi’s available? Those with mobility impairments who do not use a wheelchair are not able to climb in and out of a Kombi but can comfortably (and with dignity) get in and out of a motor vehicle (sometimes with some assistance required).

However, no matter how many times you ask, plead, demand, shout and scream for them to send a motor vehicle (car – sedan) to collect you, they will insist on sending a driver with a Kombi and the driver will do his best to convince you that he will pick you up and put you into the Kombi (never mind the fact that you could be twice his weight). No consideration is given to the fact that one adult picking up another is not the most dignified way of being transported (especially for a lady).

Also – in most cases there is a particular way of lifting/picking up a disabled person and not doing this correctly could actually cause injury to the disabled person.

For the purposes of keeping this as short as I can, I will assume that accessibility from the outside of the hotel is possible – I will therefore focus my attention on inside the hotel building.
Once inside, you have another set of challenges to face, i.e.

a) Size of the room allocated – very little room for movement within the room so if you’re in a wheelchair, it is virtually impossible to move around within the room.
b) The TV – is usually placed on a wall bracket so high on the wall that you have to lay on your back on the bed to watch TV (and hopefully not fall asleep in the process). If the remote is not working or you cannot find it, you are unable to view anything on TV without phoning Reception for assistance from the Housekeeping staff.
c) Room with a shower – because you have mobility issues (not only those in wheelchairs), you ask for a room with a shower (because you cannot climb into or out of a bath). You are allocated a room with a shower, as requested, only to find that you have to climb into a bath in order to shower. Now how is someone in a wheelchair or someone unable to lift their legs high enough to get into a bath supposed to shower? Surely one would not go to all the trouble of pointing out mobility issues and specifically asking for a room with a shower if you could actually get into a bath?
d) The restaurant (within the hotel) – why is it necessary for the restaurant to either have steps going down into or up into the restaurant? When a wheelchair ramp is provided, it is not thought through at all – for example: it is either not wide enough, too steep and too highly polished which makes it slippery (as was my recent experience on Mother’s Day this past weekend). One is left with the impression that the ramp is provided because “we have to” because “it is expected or required of us to do so” and not because we really care.
e) Lifts (elevators) – why is it that nobody bothers to check whether the lifts are in working order? Coming back to my recent experience this past weekend on Mother’s Day, before making the reservation at the restaurant which was situated within a hotel, I made it very clear that I have mobility impairment and that I cannot climb stairs. I was assured that I would have no problems getting to the restaurant because there is a lift inside the building to the restaurant. On arrival, however, the lift to the restaurant was not working and the closest alternative was not working either. The third option available meant walking a long distance which was not possible for me either and only when I threatened to leave and have lunch elsewhere, was I given then option of being transported to the restaurant in a wheelchair, which I accepted. The Porter finally arrived with the wheelchair and off we went on one of my most traumatic experiences in a wheelchair. I nearly fell forward out of the wheelchair on my face three times because the Porter had no idea how to transport someone in a wheelchair. He admitted that it was his first time and that he had no training. To make matters worse, he was disabled himself which I only noticed at the end of my traumatic experience. Getting into the restaurant was as traumatic as already explained in point (d) above i.e. the ramp was too narrow, too steep and too slippery.

Why is it that Banqueting Managers or staff dealing with (restaurant and hotel) reservations don’t make sure that the lifts within the hotel and from the parking garage into the hotel are in working order? Surely if you know a disabled person is coming, you can check to make sure the lifts are working and get maintenance to fix them before the date of the reservation – especially on celebratory days like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day (when many mothers or fathers themselves are aged and have mobility issues – that’s besides the disabled people).

f) Staff training – everyone in the hospitality industry – the entire staff from Front of Office, to kitchen, waiters etc receive exceptional training and one seldom has any reason to complain about their service. However, nobody within the Managing structure deems it necessary for Disability Awareness training – why is that?

Coming back to my recent personal experience when trying to take my mother out for lunch on Mother’s Day – besides the Porter not knowing how to transport someone in a wheelchair, the restaurant Manager also had no idea what to do when I finally reached the restaurant.

Without consulting me, he removed one chair from the table assuming I was going to sit in the wheelchair for the entire time I was there (it is not only uncomfortable but in certain instances could cause pain or discomfort if in the wheelchair for too long). When I asked him to bring the chair back to the table so I could get out of the wheelchair to sit at the table, he kept pushing the chair right up against the front of the wheelchair even after I made it clear to him and the Porter that I needed space between the two so I could first get up out of the wheelchair and then sit on the chair. All this caused such a stir I had all the patrons in the restaurant staring at me, which was very embarrassing to say the least.

Why is it that people in general are so totally clueless when it comes to dealing with those with mobility impairments? I am not the first and only person with a mobility impairment (not in a wheelchair) and certainly will not be the last. My experience this past weekend was not the first of its kind and I can guarantee will not be the last.

The problems I have experienced this past weekend, I have experienced at hotels/restaurants in Johannesburg, Limpopo, North West, Free State – just about every province I can think of, so it is not specific to the Western Cape only.

The disabled (those in wheelchairs and those who use other assistive devices) have been with us for generations and will be with us for generations to come. When are we going to open our eyes and try (even if just for one day) to live life through their eyes?

How long is it going to take for able-bodied people to realise that they could become disabled within a second and have to live with the limitations of the disabled person?

When will we ever learn? Will we ever learn?

In pursuit of my African Dream – please tell me why?

In pursuit of my African Dream – please tell me why?.

In pursuit of my African Dream – please tell me why?

Today my post is going to be based on an article I read in one of our morning newspapers: The Cape Times, Thursday July 5, 2012 (page 9). The headline of this particular article was:  “A raped child is devastated and suffers unimaginable mental torment”: by Carmel Rickard

A few points in this article struck a cord or two in me . . .

I quote: The two high court judges saw fit to scrap the life sentence imposed on the attacker and reduced the punishment to 22 years on the grounds that . . .

• The 30 year old rapist was a “first offender”
• The 7 year old girl who “suffered serious mental anxiety” was not “physically harmed” other than the signs of “forced vaginal penetration” noted by a doctor”.

Mmmm  . . .”suffered serious mental anxiety” and was “not physically injured” other than the signs of “forced vaginal penetration” noted by a doctor. What could “serious mental anxiety” mean for a 7 year old?  The 7 year old could possibly:

 

• Behave out of character? Not want to eat or sleep? Not speak to anybody (be withdrawn most of the time), at times be aggressive?
• Walk about restlessly or aimlessly, constantly looking over her shoulder as if waiting for someone to come?
• Be unable to sleep – refusing to answer when asked what’s the matter?
• Fearful of all strangers (especially men)?
• Wetting the bed and possibly even soiling herself – not wanting to be left alone (not even to go to the bathroom)?
• Might insist that all doors and windows be kept closed at all times?
• Be intensely distressed and deeply frightened?
• Experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Be “hyper vigilant”, constantly monitoring her environment because of feeling afraid and unsafe?
• Experience deep emotional pain manifested by “uncontrollable crying”?
• Feel overwhelmed by fears and anxiety – could suffer from “severe insomnia and nightmares”?

I don’t know about you, but I cannot even begin to imagine what it must feel like to live like this as an adult, let alone as a 7 year old child. Just reading this article has made my stomach churn. Your childhood is supposed to be the best time of your life. You are supposed to be happy and carefree. Children should be able to trust ALL adults they come into contact with, no matter where they are.

I have a 4 year old niece and a 7 year old nephew.  I often sit and watch them while they are playing and try to imagine how I would react if anyone dared to violate either one of them in any way. I will probably have to be locked away in a mental institution for the rest of my life.

I must say that having a physical disability makes me feel as vulnerable as a child because it does not take much force to make me lose my balance which leaves me vulnerable to a whole myriad of possible violations. I could so easily be raped, sodomised, or violated in any other way and I would have very little chance of coming away unscathed physically. All this being said, I avoid going anywhere I’ve never been to before, I avoid clubs and any other “social” places, I avoid going out at night if at all possible and on the rare occasions that I do, I make sure I get home as early as I can. I don’t go to church at night anymore and I don’t even walk around my own neighbourhood for fear of being identified as a “soft target” by some unscrupulous opportunist out there.

I am “hyper vigilant” even when driving my own car. I am suspicious of anyone coming towards me, no matter where I am. Even when at home, doors and security gates are always closed and locked. I keep the curtains shut so nobody can monitor my movements inside the house. My house is so well burglar guarded that the only way in would be through the roof and through the trap-door. When I get up during the night to go to the bathroom I always glance up to make sure the trap-door is still shut and that there is no evidence of anyone trying to get into the house.

This is what it is like for me – a “nearly 50 year old “ adult with a disability, so what must it be like for a 7 year old child? Then again, 7 years of age is not the youngest to be targeted. Here in sunnySouth Africa, even babies of a few months are raped and sodomised by adult men. Babies, who have even less control over their bodies and environments.

My mind boggles at how an adult male can attach himself to a baby a few months old and yet it has happened – not once or twice but too often to mention.

Please tell me why? What happens inside the brain to make any male capable of something like this . . .  I cannot even find a word strong enough in my vocabulary to describe this act/deed.

What has gone wrong with the human race? Even dogs and animals in the wild nurture and protect their own. Have you watched a lioness with her cubs? The lion who provides for his family and protects them at all costs?

 When will this scourge of violence against women and children in our country end? Please tell me when?

Some of the perpetrators of violence will tell you they need help but cannot specify exactly what it is they need you to do in order to help them. I know poverty, hunger, overcrowded homes (in some cases no homes) have a part to play in all this but violence against women and children will not make this go away. After raping a woman or child you will still be hungry, homeless, unemployed etc. So what is the point?

Why do this at all?

 Please tell me why?

Don’t forget to visit: http://www.womendemanddignity.co.za. Tell your friends too!