How to help a grieving friend

I recently wrote a post about grief, mourning and bereavement and the difference between them. You will find the post here:https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/re-investing-in-life-moving-on/

I am finding my experience of grief and mourning very strange. To allow myself time to grieve and mourn I have pushed those closest to me away to give myself the space to grieve and mourn without having the pressure of “getting on with life” from others. Generally people (society in general) have the perception that now that the funeral/memorial service is over, you should be okay and ready to “get on with life”.

I have now reached the stage where I’m missing that contact with my friends and family and want them to “come back” to me but at the same time I’m not ready to have people sitting in my lounge drinking tea and coffee for hours. I’m at the stage where a quick pop-in visit or quick telephone call to say “how are you doing?” or “is there anything I can do for you?” would be welcome but it seems like people are waiting for me to make the first move.

Ocassionally, especially after a busy week, I sometimes wish I can get a call from someone asking if they can bring me a meal or a sweet treat, but at the same time not expect to be invited in to sit and talk for hours. The idea of calling first before coming is also good because I may not be in the mood to see people. I may want to just walk around in my pyjamas (or even naked for that matter).

My best friend of more than 30 years has not even tried to make contact with me since the end of January. She did not even make contact to wish me for my birthday. I had a missed call on my phone from her on 6 February and I have deliberately not called her back to see how long it would take for her to try again. At the time of writing this post, there’s still been no contact. I do understand that it is probably difficult to wish someone a “happy birthday” when you know they are grieving/mourning. There is nothing wrong with changing that to “Hi, thinking of you on your birthday. Hope you manage/managed to enjoy the day?” An alternative to this would be “hi, can we come around to bring you your gift?” and then surprise me by insisting I sit down and making me a cup of tea instead of expecting me to make you a cup just because you are visiting?

Today while writing this post I was watching a movie on television about the life of actress (who also married a Prince and became a Princess) Grace Kelly. There was a scene in the movie, just before Grace Kelly was going to board the ship to leave her family home, where her father told her he loved her. This brought me to tears again. I am obviously still very volatile emotionally and is probably why I’m having this want/don’t want relationship with contact with the outside world. One minute I want people to come visit but within a few minutes I wish they don’t come.

What I’m also experiencing at the moment is that my attention span is very short. I find that I can’t focus on one particular thing for longer than five or ten minutes then I move on to do something else. I also lose my train of thought in mid sentence and forget what I wanted to say. My mind just goes blank all of a sudden and I cannot remember what I wanted to say. Maybe that’s also why I’m reluctant to have visitors at this stage? Maybe I’m scared that I will be bored with their conversation after five or ten minutes and that they will misunderstand or misinterpret my behaviour and think that I’m being rude?

Will my visitors understand when I suddenly burst into tears for no apparent reason? Will they panic and try to make me feel better by saying “don’t worry everything will be alright”? or “it’s ok. Mom is in a better place now”? when all I need is a loving hug or someone to hold my hand, without saying anything at all.

This behaviour is all new to me and I’m finding it very strange. Is this a temporary change in my behaviour or is this taking me to another level of maturity i.e. where trivial things no longer matter to me?

As a child I’ve always heard adults say “you are never really grown up until you have lost both your parents”. Is that what’s happening to me now? Am I now finally becoming a “grown up”/an adult?

. . . but I still like Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse? Just saying . . .

Re-investing in Life (Moving on)

In my last post: Woman, heal Thyself – find it here: https://africandream01.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/woman-heal-thyself/

I spoke about coping mechanisms and gave you an idea of where I am on the “coping with grief” scale.

Last week (Wednesday) I celebrated my first birthday without BOTH my parents. My dad has not been physically present for my last twenty (or so) birthdays although he was still alive but I had my mom and sister to share it with. With my mom dying in October 2014 and my dad in January 2015, this was now my first birthday as an “orphan”. I’ve given myself the nickname of “Orphan Annie”.

SLOWING DOWN:
As I progress on this journey of grief and mourning, I’m finding that I’m spending a lot of time re-evaluating my life – how I spend my time, what I spend my time on, relationships I have (those relationships that serve me and those that don’t). I’m doing a lot of thinking (meditating some call it), taking time to “smell the roses”, slowing down – trying to stop being so busy with being “busy”.

EXERCISE:
Throughout my fourteen months as primary caregiver to my mom, I managed to maintain my exercise routine with my Personal Trainer three days per week (for one hour each). This definitely helped neutralize the stress hormones which helped me cope with the physical, mental and emotional challenges I faced during this period. Exercising also gave me the opportunity to focus on something other than what I was going through.

TEARS CLEANSE THE SOUL:
Having suppressed my emotions for fourteen months, I am now allowing myself to cry irrespective of when it happens (mornings, evenings, on my way to work, on my way from work – whenever it happens I allow the tears to flow freely). It has been said that there is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love. Tears are definitely giving me a release of my emotions (like a pressure-cooker letting off steam).

FEELING MY EMOTIONS:
I am no longer blocking my feelings. There are times when I feel deeply sad about the loss of my mom. I’ve postponed my feelings for fourteen months and it is now time to let it go – no more denial or covering up my pain. I am with my pain now – living in the moment – everything else can and just has to wait. I’m giving myself the time I need to heal because the sooner I allow myself to feel my emotional pain, the sooner it will pass.

The word “emote” is Latin in origin and it means “I move”.

WRITING LEADS TO HEALING:
I don’t keep a daily journal so I write through this blog. Using this blog to write helps me gain understanding and insight into what exactly is happening in my life – through sharing my story with you, my readers. This blog is my outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Writing is a powerful and highly recommended exercise in recovery.

JOINING A BEREAVEMENT GROUP:
I have nothing against joining a bereavement group but I believe that there is a time for this to happen and it just is not the right time for me right now. When the time is right and if there is a need, I will definitely find one to join.

HONOURING MY OWN TIMETABLE:
As Executor of mom’s Estate, there are certain tasks relating to the winding up of the Estate that has to be taken care of immediately and that is where my focus has been these last few months. Sorting out mom’s personal belongings is something I am not ready to do right now so her room is exactly as she left it the day she died.

Clearing out mom’s cupboards of her personal belongings, scattering her last remains etc. will have to wait a little longer. When the time is right, this will be done.

PUTTING OFF MAJOR DECISIONS:
I will continue to live in the house we shared until I can no longer live independently or until circumstances forces me to make a decision about alternative accommodation.

DANCE TO MY BROKEN HEART:
Grief can last years, but my nervous system needs a break every now and then. For now it is shedding the tears I need to shed when I need to shed them and going for a nice long drive afterwards. I feel an enormous sense of relief afterwards.

Dancing? Well, that will happen when it needs to happen.

Find more information here:
Grief Survival Tips (http://funeralguide.co.za/coping-with-grief/grief-survival-tips/blog.html

Recommended Reading:
“Man’s search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl
“Beyond Grief” by Carol Staudacher
All books by author: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
“The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron

All these books are available here:
Shop at Amazon.com! http://www.amazon.com?_encoding=UTF8&tag=african09-20

Conversations with myself: Mandala(s)

My post this week has been inspired by the Gupta wedding held in South Africa recently. Why? I hear you asking . . .

Well, I noticed from a few photographs I’ve seen that in the area where the wedding reception was held, there was a very colourful Mandala. I’ve seen very colourful mandalas in my lifetime (not knowing that’s what they are called) and seeing one again in these pictures, inspired me to find out more about them – what are they and where do they originate? Is there any symbolism attached to these colourful drawings?

Thanks to my good friend Google and http://www.wikipedia.org I discovered the following:-
• A Mandala is a generic term for any plan, chart or geometric pattern that represents the cosmos metaphysically or symbolically. It is a spiritual and ritual symbol in Hinduism and Buddhism representing the universe. The basic form of most mandalas is a square with four gates containing a circle with a centre point. Each gate is in the general shape of a “T” and often exhibits radial balance.
• Mandalas may be used for focussing as a spiritual teaching tool, for establishing a sacred space and as an aid to meditation and trance induction.

To learn more about Mandalas, I then went to http://www.mandalaproject.org and learnt the following:
• Mandalas represent wholeness, and can be seen as a model for the organisational structure of life itself – a cosmic diagram that reminds us of our relation to the infinite, the world that extends both beyond and within our bodies and our minds.
• Describing both material and non-material realities, the mandala appears in all aspects of life: the celestial circles we call earth, sun and moon as well as conceptual circles of friends, family and community.
• Creating a group mandala is a unifying experience in which people can express themselves individually within a unified structure.
• Creating a group mandala can be an enjoyable activity with friends. It can also provide an excellent closure to an event or workshop.
• Labyrinths are a type of mandala found in many cultures and are used as a tool for centering.
• Carl Jung (a Psychologist) said that a mandala symbolises “a safe refuge of inner reconciliation and wholeness.” It is “a synthesis of distinctive elements in a unified scheme representing the basic nature of existence.” Jung used the mandala for his own personal growth and wrote about his experiences.
• According to Tibetan Buddhists a mandala consists of five “excellencies” viz
– The teacher
– The message
– The audience (viewer)
– The site
– The time

An audience or “viewer” is necessary to create a mandala. Where there is no “you” there is no mandala.

With my keen interest in Psychology and everything that goes with it, I then decided to dig deeper to find out more about what Carl Jung said about Mandalas and this is what he said (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-healing-arts/201003/cool-art-therapy-intervention-6-mandala-drawing)

• Jung believed this symbol represented the total personality also known as “self”. Jung noted that when a mandala image suddenly turned up in dreams or art, it was usually an indication of movement towards a new self-knowledge. He believed that mandalas denoted a unification of opposites, served as expressions of self, and represented the sum of who we are.
• According to Jung, mandalas have the potential to bring into being something universal within, perhaps even the recognisable typical self, at the same time, they give us an experience of wholeness amid the chaos of everyday life, making the “sacred circle” one of the best art therapy interventions for both soothing the soul and meeting oneself.

Mindfulness – is maintaining attention: focussing. It usually starts with mindfulness of breathing, then expanded to all bodily sensations, bodily aspects of emotions, and thoughts. It is attending without curiosity, without judgement or reactivity, to whatever arises and passes away.

Mandalas are patterns containing minimal information that the logical part of the brain can process.

So the next time you need to enhance your mindfulness, use a mandala to activate the intuitive part of the brain and quieten the logical you.

To find out more about mandalas visit: http://www.evenstarcreations.com