I am capable . . .

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
– Wayne W. Dyer

When I started this post, my title was 10 things you need to know about disability, however, once I got started I could not stop and had to add some additional points along the way. I am therefore not going to number the points.

How do you view disabled people – the ones who are physically disabled where the disability is obvious as well as those with hidden disabilities, like those who are Deaf? Do you see them as people with diagnosed conditions which present obstacles that need to be overcome, when, in fact, people are disabled by the lack of accessibility of our environments and through ignorance of able-bodied people?

Disability is not an illness/sickness:
Asking questions like “how’s your health now?” implies that the disabled person is ill. Even if the disability is temporary, it’s still not an illness. The disabled person can be perfectly healthy in all other aspects but be disabled.

Disabled people are not wheelchair bound:
How often have you read a newspaper or magazine article about wheelchair-bound people? Being wheelchair bound implies that the person never leaves the wheelchair, that they have their bums glued to the chair, never to get out of it ever again.

People use wheelchairs as a means to get from point A to point B. Just like someone using crutches or other walking aid uses it to get from point A to point B. People who use wheelchairs don’t shower/bath in them, they don’t sleep in the wheelchair. They sit on a chair or couch just like any able-bodied person would, they sleep in a bed just like everyone else.

I don’t consider myself to have a disability:
• Being disabled from birth, I don’t know any other way of life. Becoming disabled later in life was not by choice, so I have no other option but to adapt.
• Having a disability is different to “being disabled”
• I am not my disability – I am just a person so don’t describe me as “that beautiful girl/woman in a wheelchair”. It’s the same as saying “that fat girl/woman over there” in other words, the words we use discriminate.
• Disabled people are not seen as being equal to those without disabilities, which is a difficult thing to know especially because we have done nothing wrong.

Its not about being more or less able, it’s just about differences:
• Society (generally) talks and thinks about disability as “us” and “them” when, in fact, everybody has a disability – some more visible than others.
• There are physical, academic, social and creative disabilities. We are all just differently-abled.

People actively discriminate against disability:
Discrimination comes as a result of ignorance. We can raise awareness as much as we like but it won’t necessarily change things.

Some simple things are difficult for me, but that does not mean I’m not talented or capable:
• I am extremely talented and creative but things of a physical nature (like walking long distances and climbing stairs) are difficult for me.
• The things I find difficult to do make me compare myself to others more than I should.
• A lot of the prejudice is the result of not being aware of the needs of others because of being too self-centred.

Disability is massively misunderstood:
• Disabled people are a rich and diverse scope of human expression.
• Working with disabled people is one of the most creative environments where all people share a common goal; to learn, to be and to have positive experiences with others. Connecting with others, no matter what the differences are.

I keep my disability a secret:
• Having a physical disability makes me vulnerable to falling easily and leaves me vulnerable to criminals who see me as a soft target. As a result, I stay home more than I should because the environment outside my house is not safe (roads/pathways are uneven or not accessible for whatever reason, buildings are mostly not accessible – doors which are not automated, steps/stairs outside and inside the building etc)
• Many people don’t respect (or give a thought) to what disabled people go through daily. It doesn’t matter what the differences are, it’s about being treated equally and with respect.

Don’t be afraid to ask somebody if they have a disability, but do it respectfully and without judging:
Physical disabilities are obvious, but the physically disabled can read, speak, some can walk limited distances using crutches or other walking aids, capable of being gainfully employed if given the chance, and free to use their brains creatively and constructively.

Things are slowly improving:
• Since the Paralympics in 2012, disability has been portrayed in the media in a more positive way.
• There is still no equality because the environment has not changed to being a fully integrated one. I’ve been in hotels where they have ramp access outside, a room which is accessible for wheelchairs but the television is mounted on a wall bracket high up on the wall so if there is a problem with the remote control unit, you cannot operate the television manually – you have to wait for assistance. The other obstacle I’ve encountered is when I ask for a room with a shower, I’m given a shower where I have to climb into the bath in order to shower – why would I specifically ask for a room with an accessible shower if I could climb into the bath?
• Awareness is better, but education about disability and people with disabilities should become more prominent and the media can and should play an important role in this.
• Everybody does things differently – everyone is unique. Let’s embrace this idea.
• Everyone is disabled in some way, in the same way that everyone is able.

People think my brain is not good enough, but I am more than capable.
There are certain jobs I will not get because people think I cannot do it, but I can and I am very capable. With a few minor adjustments to my working environment, I can do the job.

Living with a disability is unfair:
• My disability makes me feel a lot of emotions that people don’t think about. I am scared, I feel judged, I get nervous and anxious and I think too much.
• I wish I could do simple things like go for a walk (or a stroll in my wheelchair) around my neighbourhood, but always feel like people are staring at me because I’m different. There’s also the criminal elements to worry about being vulnerable and a “soft target” for those who want to take advantage of me.
• I wish I could be seen as equal.

Disabled people are not brave:
• Disabled people are not brave because they are disabled.
• Being disabled from birth is the only life we know. If we became disabled later in life, we had no choice but to adapt. We were forced by our circumstances to adapt.

Inspiration porn disables the disabled:
Using disabled people like a “prop” to motivate able-bodied people is equivalent to objectifying people with disabilities. It creates the wrong kind of hero.

Some examples of inspiration porn:
• Shames the viewer by showing a disabled person overcoming basic obstacles, implying that anyone less disabled has no excuse.
• Focus on individuals helping people with disabilities, suggesting that others should help too, centering attention on the helper and not the person being helped. A good example here is “raising funds for the disabled”. The fundraiser is seen as a “saint” or “hero” because they are helping the “less fortunate”.
• Taking a disabled person as a companion to a function (Matric Ball or any other social function) just to make them feel “normal” or “included” – using them as a “prop” to make you look and feel good. Again, focussing on the “kind person” making him/her the hero.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping a person with a disability if they have asked for help, but it’s the way the story is told that hides the real issues faced by the community of disabled people. When assisting a disabled person, do you
• Ask permission to help before objectifying the person to your need for an ego boost?
• Do you consider the fact that people with disabilities have the right to expect privacy? Carrying someone up a flight of stairs might boost your ego and make you look like a hero/compassionate person but have you thought about how undignified the disabled might feel?

Inspiration porn highlights the need for more awareness around the social model of disability
Click here

Photo by: Tami Magnin @rumtumtiggs

Society (in general) still sees disability through the eyes of the medical model, i.e. diagnosed conditions present obstacles that need to be overcome, when, in fact, people are disabled by the lack of accessibility in the environment around us.

• Stigma makes it difficult for people with disabilities to have close friends. The stigma disables.
• The perception of disabled bodies as non-sexy is disabling, not the bodies themselves.
• The person in the wheelchair is not disabled by the wheelchair but by the buildings that don’t have automated doors and wheelchair ramps instead of steps/stairs and a society that does not provide sufficient community-supported assistance.

Disabled people need to be more than token employees and social companions and objects of pity. We need more than policies that look good on paper with no real implementation or monitoring of the implementation to change the current norms.

We need to have REAL CONVERSATIONS about KEY ISSUES.

THE POSITIVE SIDE TO BEING DISABLED:
• I would not be the person I am today (humble and filled with compassion) if I did not face the challenges I have in my lifetime.
• I had a mother who believed I could do anything if I just tied hard enough and she spent her entire life devoted to helping me take that step out of my comfort zone, trying to delete the words “I can’t” from my brain.

Some of this material has been taken from:
Inspiration porn further disables the disabled: Click here

Dear Diary: Finding peace through forgiveness . . .

“Recognise the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and honour wherever you fall in the process”

Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter Reverend Mpho Tutu have written a book called: The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and our World. I read about this book in the You Magazine (http://www.you.co.za) dated 15 May 2014 and thought I should share some of this with you.

In this book the authors speak of the fourfold path to forgiveness, i.e.
1) Telling your story to the person you have to forgive
2) Naming the hurt
3) Granting forgiveness
4) The renewal or release of a relationship

Forgiveness is not something we give to the other person. In reality, it is something we give ourselves – we get to cut the chains holding us to the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is not easy – to be angry, devastated and grief-stricken are all valid and appropriate responses – they are all part of the journey of forgiveness.

How do we start the journey of granting forgiveness or being forgiven?

The authors talk about The Revenge Cycle:
“Whenever we’re injured we face the choice of whether to retaliate or reconnect”, the authors write.”

The revenge cycle looks like this:
• Hurt, harm or loss
• Pain
• Choosing to harm
• Rejecting shared humanity
• Revenge, retaliation, payback
• Violence, cruelty
• Hurt, harm or loss

The forgiveness cycle follows a fourfold path.
In choosing to heal . . .
• We tell the story
• Name the hurt
• Grant forgiveness (recognising shared humanity)
• Renewing or releasing the relationship

The authors then give very useful and practical exercises to be completed. (I’ve heard of similar exercises like writing a letter to the person who hurt you and then to throw the letter into a fire or to burn the letter to release the feelings of hurt and to move on with your life). The exercises provided in the book are as follows:

THE STONE RITUAL:
Carrying the stone:
• You need a stone the size of the palm of your hand
• For one full morning (about six hours) hold the stone in your non-dominant hand i.e. if you are right-handed, you will need to carry the stone in your left hand and vice versa. Do not put the stone down for any reason during this six hour period.
• At the end of six hours, proceed to the journal exercise (the journal will only be read by you).

JOURNAL EXERCISE:
• What did you notice about carrying the stone?
• When did you notice it most?
• Did it prevent you from completing any other activities?
• Was the stone ever useful?
• In what ways was carrying the stone like carrying an un-forgiven hurt?
• Make a list of people you need to forgive in your life
• Make a list of all those you’d like to have forgiven you

THE CLOAK OF SAFETY (Mindfulness Exercise):
Forgiveness can sometimes feel like it’s too much work, when all you want to do is to be still and feel safe. Create a cloak of safety that will always be within reach.

• Start by sitting comfortably. You may prefer to close your eyes lightly.
• Pay attention to your breathing. Don’t direct it – follow it. (Think about how your chest moves up when you breathe in and down when you breathe out).
• When you have settled into the rhythm of your breathing, allow yourself to feel the cloak of safety surrounding you like fabric.
• What is the texture of this cloak? Does it have a colour? Does it have a fragrance?
• Settle into this cloak. Does it feel warm or cool?
• Describe this cloak in your imagination as fully as you are able to. Pull the cloak around you and settle into feeling safe.
• When you need this cloak, know it is there and you can just reach for it.

THE BOX OF SORROWS:
You may want to surround yourself with the cloak of safety you created.
• Create a safe space. Think about a place of safety. It could be real or imaginary. See this place fully and inhabit it. Relax into this place.
• Someone is calling for you. The one who is calling for you speaks in a voice filled with warmth, love and delight. When you’re ready, welcome this person into your safe space. Who is your companion? Is it a loved one, a friend or a spiritual figure?
• Between you and your companion sits an open box. Tell your companion the story of the hurt you carry. Tell the truth about how you have been wounded, disdained, disrespected, shamed or disregarded in as much detail as you can remember. As you speak, see the hurt and the words pouring out of you like a stream. Watch the stream being poured into the box. When you’ve said all there is to say, close the box of sorrows.
• Take the box into your lap. When you are ready, hand the box to your trusted companion. Know that the box is in safe hands. You don’t need to carry those sorrows any longer.
• When you are ready, you may leave your place of safety. Know that your trusted companion will take your box of sorrows from the place but will return it should you have a need for it.

HOW TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE HARM DONE:
If a friend comes to you asking you to help them with their process of forgiving you should do the following:
• Listen
• Do not try to fix the pain
• Do not minimise the loss
• Do not offer any advice
• Do not respond with your own loss or grief (don’t tell your own story)
• Keep confidentiality
• Offer your love and caring
• Empathise and offer comfort

JOURNAL EXERCISE:
Forgiveness is a process of letting go:
• Think of the things you must give up or let go in order to forgive. The list might include things such as the right to revenge or the expectation of an apology. It might even include having to give up an expectation that the person who hurt you will understand the pain they have caused.
• As you make your list, pause with each item and offer thanks for the ability to let go of what you don’t need in order to forgive.

NAMING THE HURT:
• Identify the feelings within the facts. Remember, no feelings are wrong, bad or invalid.
• Recognise the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and wherever you fall in the process.
• Find someone who will acknowledge you and listen to your feelings without trying to fix them.
• Accept your own vulnerability.
• Move forward when you are ready.

GRANTING FORGIVENESS:
• Forgiveness is a choice
• We grow through forgiving
• Forgiving is how we move from victim to hero in our story
• We know we are healing when we are able to tell a new story

RENEWING OR RELEASING THE RELATIONSHIP:
This is a stone ritual in which you decide whether you should release the stone and all it symbolises or turn it into something else.
• Decide whether you will turn your stone into a new thing of beauty or release it back into nature.
• If you have chosen to renew the stone, decide how you will paint it or decorate it. You may also choose to turn it into something useful in your home or garden.
• If you have chosen to release your stone, you may take it back to the place where you found it and put it down or you may take it to a new place that is meaningful to you.
• Nothing is wasted. Everything, even a stone, has its purpose.

JOURNAL EXERCISE:
• Was it possible to make something beautiful from what you had?
• How difficult was it to do so?
• What did you learn about the renewing and releasing [of a relationship] as you completed this exercise?

WHAT TO DO IF YOU NEED TO BE FORGIVEN:
• Get the support you need.
• Admit the wrong (although the path to making it right may or may not include telling your story to the person you have injured. Revealing an unknown betrayal may cause a deeper injury to the victim than that person’s ignorance or your deed. If this is the case, tell your story to a trusted counsellor).
• Witness the anguish and apologise.
• Ask for forgiveness.
• Make amends or whatever restitution or reparation is called for or needed.
• Honour your victim’s choice to renew or release the relationship.

STONE RITUAL: SETTING DOWN THE STONE:
• You will need a heavy stone. You want to feel its weight as burdensome.
• Walk with this stone some distance to a private place.
• Admit to the stone what you’ve done.
• Then tell the stone the anguish you have caused.
• Apologise to the stone and ask for forgiveness. You may imagine the person you have harmed in your mind’s eye or ask God for forgiveness.
• Decide what you can do to make amends to the person you harmed or how you can help others.
• Then set the stone down in nature.

Wow, this sure is powerful stuff. There is so much food for thought here. The exercises are simple yet practical. Just reading all of this makes me want to go out to buy the book, don’t you?

The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and the World by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu (Harper Collins) is available through http://www.kalahari.com

PEACE
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
– Unknown